seriously.

A Funny Thing Happened... Again.

2012-01-21T19:46:00.001-05:00

Remember back in December of 2010 when a funny thing happened in the restroom today? Well, it happened again. This time I was still in the shower after a morning run at work, and I heard someone come into the restroom, go into the stall... and then, nothing. I even took my time and kept the shower running in hopes that that would give them enough time and noise (I know you know what I'm talking about) to do their a.m. biz and then leave but no, they just sat there and rustled a newspaper.

I finally had to turn off the water in fear of being late for a meeting and you know, wasting water. Clink went a coffee mug against what I could only assume was the metal trashcan lid inside the stall. Apparently a flat surface and perfect for holding one's beverage while one conducts their... business. But that's the thing. The newspaper and mug were the only noises coming from that stall. No splash, no plop and it made me restless. I resisted the urge to sing Come out, come out whoever you are! or Let it out girl! Everybody poops! They could not have been comfortable. Here we go again I thought only this time I didn't even bother to check if they were wearing shoes.

So I expedited my getting ready process because I was in no mood to play this reindeer game again. I was not going to wait this squatter out this time. For whatever reason I felt like I was encroaching on their territory, like I had disrupted their routine because I'm guessing that this morning business of theirs has been more consistent since December of 2010 than my morning running. I couldn't get out of their fast enough. I even waited for final face and hair until I got up to my office area bathroom. But me and this mystery stall dweller are going to have to come to some sort of agreement to coexists eventually because in case you haven't been keeping me up, 2012 is the year that I treat myself to things like early morning runs (and apparently I think that 7 a.m. runs are a treat what the fu).

We'll see what happens next week. Stay tuned.

Enter the Dragon

2012-01-21T18:02:00.000-05:00

Over all I give 2011 a C. Just a C. There was some good stuff that happened last year, I know this. The Packers winning the Super Bowl, I did a freaking mini triathlon, my Rangers going to the World Series again with me there to see it, a 10 hour old-country music and Budweiser marathon with Bubba... All good stuff. But there was some shit too. Some I wrote about and posted. Some I wrote about and didn't post. Lots went unsaid. A lot of ugh. A lot of pft and a lot of what the fug...

But this, is the Year of the Dragon ya'll and that means me. Born. Year of the Dragon xx years ago. Translation?

This is my year bitches.

I should frame this and put it on my wall at work. That would be awesome and that would probably make things happen for me even more. Inneresting.

#3 Treat Yo Self.

2012-01-20T20:36:00.000-05:00

And this... is my inspiration for my #3. Treat. Yo. Self.

That's right ya'll, Treat Yo Self. Fun words to say and powerful in their implications when said together. What does this mean for me? This means that I need to remember to do stuff for me because for the most part, no one will do the following things for me...

Do more yoga - and working out in general. I put this into practice this week but think I may have been a little overzelous yesterday after running in the a.m., teaching a mat class last night and then followed that with a heated yoga core kick you in the ass class. Getting up today was difficult and I mean that literally. Note to self: space it out. I have a whole year - and lifetime - to do this.

Get more pedicures. It sounds petty (or pedi - ha) I know, but seriously, I'm on my feet a lot and taking care of your feet is super important, especially when one of my jobs requires me to not wear shoes, and really it just feels good. Plus the pedicure chairs are amazing - practically a full body massage and I admit, I'm a foot looker. One of my good guy friends from childhood-highschool told me fifteen years ago that you can tell a lot about a person by the way they take care of their feet. I found that both fascinating and scary and I have never forgotten it. Thank you Ryan - aka Iceman back in our playground days.

Get a massage in 2012. A real one. Maybe two (or maybe 12 but I doubt it). There's a lot to be said about the benefits of a good massage for the mind, body and soul. The human touch, the physical assault on the day to day stress on one's body, working out the kinks which we insist on carrying around with us with hunched shoulders... I used to get these on a fairly regular basis but somehow I let life get in the way. And a little thing called finances. But I think these are worth it so I am totally prepared to make cuts elsewhere in my life. My fancy Starbuck's coffees just aren't that important. I think.

To some of you these things might seem petty or superficial. But then you probably have not done these things for yourself or don't do them often enough. So to thee and me I say treat yo self.

#2 Read More Books

2012-01-15T01:38:00.000-05:00

I admit, 2011 was not my year for reading, my efforts abismal at best. Sadly, I'm pretty sure I read no more than 10 books all year. Probably less. When I go through my rolodex of ~~excuses~~ reasons why I sucked so bad last year I find... work, social media consumption, work, work and um, work (because playing with Hot Wheels and LEGOs all day is exhausting business). All of this left me tired and uninspired. I have 20 books that I was either given or I bought last year that I never even read. It's shameful I tell you. So now in the spirit of all things new and resolutions and stuff, I give to you my number 2 in 2012: Read More Books. Let's say I'll read 20. Twenty books in 2012. Not an impressive number to some of you but christ on crutches I really need to set the bar where I can at least hope to reach it. And guess what. I only have 19 to go.

Today I finished my first book in 2012: The Fault in our Stars by John Green.

My rating going into it knowing that it was a book about teenage cancer: B+ (I was a little weary of the possibility of post-read depression)

My rating at the end of the third day that it took me to read it: A

Note to reader: Never be dissuaded by a YA (Young Audience) classification. I promise you are not too cool for them. Some of my best books read have been YA. If you have any type of soul or love of awesome, you must read this book.

I don't give out A's easily as you will learn but I have never been disappointed by John's work and really? This might be my favorite. It definitely produced the most punch-you-in-the-gut wrenching sobs the likes of which could only be rivaled by Bridges of Madison County back in the day. Hours later my stomach muscles still ache and my eyes remain swollen and puffy. Special K continues to look at me wearily out of the corner of his eye, not sure what to make of it all. I read the last 75% of the book curled up on the couch for a 6 hour readathon this afternoon. Every time K came down he asked: Is it funny? or Are you laughing a lot? It was like he was willing it to not be a sad book, knowing himself the subject matter and knowing that yes, he would read it eventually. And yes, I did laugh. A lot and out loud at would be considered normally inappropriate times. Towards the end there was a point when the tears were just astreaming but I still had a smile on my face dammit and even let out a belt of laughter. K came in then. Looked at me. And then walked away shaking his head. High praise my friends.

The 2 backdrops of the book take place in locales close to my heart: Indy and Amsterdam. I absolutely appreciated John keeping the story set in our own Naptown back yards, including favorite haunts like Holliday Park, Funky Bones, and he even gave a shout out to Broad Ripple's Farmer's Market. Nicely done. He also took the story to Holland (I'm not giving anything away) where he described the canals, boats, side saddle bikers and Anne Frank's Annex to a tee. The amount of detail in this journey was awesomely immersive as I fought the urge to wipe the falling seeds from my arms and hair. Knowing that he spent 2 months in Holland to put imaginary falling seeds on our arms and in our hair made it even more awesome.

The star-crossed love of Augustus and Hazel is so sweet and tragic and half the time you forget that she totes an oxygen tank while he sports a prosthetic leg and they muster phrases like 'The universe is not a wish-granting factory' and It would be a pleasure to have my heart broken by you. Tug.

Other quotable quotes:

Oh, I got over it darling. It took me a sleeve of Girl Scout Thin Mints and forty minutes to get over that boy.

Excellent. You'll find my leg under the coffee table.

So here's to more good stuff like this in 2012. It was the perfect read to start the new year, like being on a roller coaster that only goes up. Thank you John.

#1 Drink More Champagne

2012-01-14T23:50:00.000-05:00

Be impressed kids cuz this is how we rang out 2011 - With oodles and oodles of champagne. Fun fact: When you get to be our age you don't have to wait until midnight to pop open the bubbly good stuff. In fact it's best that you open it early on because chances are you won't make it to the stroke of midnight (not because you'll be dead, just likely unconscious due to earlier bed times with increasing age). True story. So yes, we feasted on fancy Chinese take-out and tested our mad champagne tasting skillz.

What I ~~learned~~ remember:
1. My champagne pallet is not awesome. It's so not awesome that I ranked Korbel as my numero uno out of 6. I even commented BEST! Bubbles dance on tongue. Nice finish. Yum.
2. I am not a Dom girl. Not only am I apparently not a fan of King Dom, but I ranked it as my number 6 with comments: Awful. Probably Korbel.
3. Special K is a Dom guy. Who knew the kid could pick a good bottle of bubbly out of a line up? Go figure he chose The Dom as his top pick. He even had seconds and thirds if you count my left overs which as you know I turned my nose up at since it was after all to my thinking Korbel.
4. I do love my Veuve. Thank you Jesus my only saving grace was my number 2 - Veuve. I even wrote in my comments: Love this. Probably Veuve. That was my only hint of awesome.

That grin on Special K's face is pure
unadulterated triumph. Can I have some
more please?

There were 3 other champagnes that I butchered and chose not to recall. I fear that tasting will haunt me til the next one at least. The next one that I will totally bring all of my awesome to since top on my list of resolutions is Drink more champagne in 2012.

For the record we did manage to make it to midnight and for the 4th time that day (because we counted down down to noon. And 1:00. And 2:00. at my work earlier in the day) I counted down dammit. And then it was over. My calendar reset to January and left 2011 in the dust.

2012 I will own you and your fancy champagne too.

Some Days My Job is Cool

2012-01-11T20:52:00.000-05:00

Remind me that I wrote this. Today was a good day. A 2 hour meeting filled with LEGOs and Hot Wheels ~~play~~ research. These days it's worth it.

Guess which one's mine. Directions? Who needs 'em.

It's all very scientific. There's gravity... and speed...
and gravity...

When LEGOs and Hot Wheels collide. Some things just
weren't mfeo.

I'm Gonna Rock Your U-verse

2011-12-28T00:08:00.002-05:00

Special K's proudest moment this Christmas?

When I unwrapped this...

ME: Um... I don't get it.

Special K: (beaming so big I thought his face would split right in two so help me) You hafta guess!

ME: (sighing) It's a cord. You got me a cord.

Special K: Nope! Guess again! (still beaming)

ME: Television cords! OMG you got me a flatscreen!! AAHHHH!!!

Special K: (wincing) Ah no. What are those? What can you use them for?

ME: Extension cords? We're extending my laptop to the flatscreen? Inneresting.

Special K: Keep guessing.

ME: Speaker cords? You got me a stereo?

Special K: (sighing) No. Not a stereo, Jesus. Keep guessing.

ME: Are you serious? You want to keep playing this reindeer game? Ugh.

Special K: (teeth gritted) Just do it. Guess. What are they?

ME: I. Don't. Know. It's just a cable to something. I don't f**king know.

Special K: (beaming once again) YEEES! It's a cable!

I felt like I was in a scene from Coming to America: Yes! It's a cable! Isn't it nice?!

ME: Wha?

Special K: Cable. Caaaaaaaabllllllllllle. (Eyes ready to pop out of his lovely head.)

ME: A cable. You got me a cable?

Special K: He was willing me to figure this out by boring his eyes into my skull. I got you cable. Cable.

ME: (with renewed enthusiasm) You got me cable? Like movie stuff cable? Like ditching the rabbit ears and watching The Daily Show not on a laptop cable?

Special K: (smugly) Yep. AT&T U-verse gets here on Tuesday.

So I guess it must be Tuesday (see last post) because I have cable dammit. And I watched The Daily Show, Anderson Cooper 360 and even a little Fox News just to see what the 'other guys' are up to these days. I may never sleep again.

And also?

2011-12-26T00:31:00.001-05:00

Some nuggets of updates in order of importance...

One of my oldest and dearest pals QueenKandis honored my birthday by doing what I have yet to grow the balls to do: She got her nose pierced and it's awesome. I both love her and envy her this deed. I mean let's face it, another year under my belt means another year closer to not being able to justify such an act. That's the kind of shit you can get away with in your 20's and no one bats an eye. But once you're in your thirties it takes a little more convincing - or at least acting like it's been there since your twenties. That's my plan anyways.

This just in: Our man Newt failed to make the ballot for the Virgina Primaries in January. His home state kids. I suppose it's also worth noting that Scary Perry also did not obtain the necessary 10,000 signatures to make that ballot and the GOP still refuses to back The Mitt. It's worth mentioning at this point that Ron Paul not only got the necessary signatures for Iowa but he also seems to be gaining momentum. Ron. Paul. True story ya'll. It's never gone happen but still, it's fun to consider.

And PS - Seven days away from the Iowa caucus and I'm pretty sure the Republican Party is scrambling to do anything short of taking out a want-ad to find someone worth backing. What a cluster...

And PPS - The Donald has officially dropped his Republican Party affiliation because he is quite frankly sick of the shenanigans. Can you say third party? YES.

I've been off of work for one week exactly and the world has somehow not come to an end. In fact, it's been going by so slowly that I barely know what to do with all of this time. Everyone in Chez Schovillova has been taking it so damn easy that I even had to wake Norman up at 10 a.m. this morning. Granted he's 15 in dog years which may as well be like 200 in people years but still we are just that relaxed. I've lost track of the actual days of the week and time no es importante. I can't wait to go back to work on Thursday. Whenever that is.

We went to see The Artist on Christmas Day. We were the youngest in the audience by like 50 years - you know, because it's a silent movie about silent movies - and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. I hadn't heard about it but Special K (the husband formerly known as Kev) picked it out and and eventhough he said it was a silent movie I didn't really think that he meant silent. However, the music takes over and replaces the dialogue so beautifully that you actually forget that there are no words being spoken. We both gave it an A- (this is high Schovillova praise) and if I can give you any advice for preparing you for this silent cinematic journey...

POPCORN AND SILENT MOVIES JUST DON'T MIX. EVER.

You will leave that theater hungry, I promise you that.

And to ya'll a good night.

2011-12-25T23:55:00.002-05:00

It's Christmas at Bubba's House ya'll and that can only mean one thing: Scrabble tournements for hours or as the Herron's like to call it 'Squabble'. And Bubba is the shrewdest most thinkin' Budweiser drinkin player that ever was and she will crush you. One budweiser at a time.

Hats off to you Bubba Boo!

Thanks Dad for sending this pic, I wish I was there to throw down.

Love ya'll and to ya'll a good night!

Who said the customer was ever right?

2011-12-12T21:18:00.000-05:00

Out of respect I have changed the names to protect the innocent. I could give a shit about the not-so-innocent.

Last week was madness I tell ya and this really happened...

A guy walks into a bar - one that he frequents on an almost weekly basis and has done so for 5 years now. He waits in line then orders a beer.

Jerk-Ass Bartender: Where's your chef's jacket?

Guy: My what? I'll take a Black Ale.
Jerk-Ass Bartender: No way man. Where's your white chef's coat?
Guy: What are you talking about? You've got the wrong guy.
Jerk-Ass Bartender: No. You were in here 2 years ago and conned me out of money! I'm not serving you.
Guy: Now I'm insulted. You've got the wrong guy. Where's your manager...
Enter Lame-Ass Manager: What's up?
Jerk-Ass: This is the guy that ripped me off 2 years ago - the one in the white chef's coat.
Guy (who for the record has never been a chef and is actually a teacher): He's got the wrong guy. I'm in here all the time.
Lame-Ass Manager (looking at Guy): Sorry man, you're out of here.
Guy: What the fu@*!

Fast forward through days and a bajillion emails back and forth...

This Broad Ripple establishment that also brews beer and is in fact a pub flat out refused to apologize. In fact, they fully supported the super keen memory of their bartender and said that even though Guy had been frequenting their establishment with friends and family for years, that everyone up there 'knew' that Guy was the late night chef's coat toting con man who'd been going around Broad Ripple and elsewhere in search of a few bucks. But, if he wanted to come back and in and subject himself to a lineup and if he was in fact declared innocent, then they would be more than happy to eat crow and apologize. What. The. Fug.

As someone who is a) human and b) has been serving in a customer service capacity in some shape or form for almost holy shit twenty years, you can imagine how infuriating this was. You should be infuriated. Not only was it defamation of character, but those assholes could have done some major career damage as well. Not to mention the tragic sadness that overcame Guy as he struggled with the fact that perceived friendships forged at a favorite haunt over the years were in a fact tainted icky lie. But good ol' Guy. When I wanted to shout from the roof tops and pepper their facebook and Twitter walls with angry indignance, Guy just wanted to take the low grassroots road and hit them where it hurt most - In their beer bellies. And it worked by golly. A few calls to the Midwest Brewers Association and a crazy campaign of indignant emails and apparently 'maniacle' phone calls - you know who you are and you are awesome - later, and the pub powers that be were eventually worn down and succumbed to white flag apologies and promises of free beer.

And now...
Does Guy accept the emailed apologies from both bartender and manager? Yes because that's the kind of Guy he is.
Will he go back in there any time soon? I have no idea but I wouldn't be surprised if he goes in as early as tomorrow or waits a few weeks or months. I'd lean towards sooner than later because a) they owe him free beer and b) he loves the place that much.
Does Schovillova endorse this establishment and recommend it to anyone who cares? While still a bit miffed, she still fully endorses their vegetarian menu and India Pale Ale. That stuff's important.

The moral of the story...
GRASSROOTS WORKS YA'LL!! And, the customer is always right. Usually.

Thank you again to all those who wrote and called in maniacally outraged. You are the best.

We have been asked to 'call off the dogs'. Please spread the word.

Sincerely,

Schovillova

Oh Blago, you'll be missed... but not really.

2011-12-11T14:08:00.001-05:00

Guess who finally got served...

Almost 3 years later, former Illinois Governor was finally sentenced to 14 years in prison on corruption charges. You know, the charges where he tried to sell Obama's former seat in the Senate? Tisk, tisk. I must say it's been a ride but I do believe your time is up. And although you've heard it before, I will say it again...

You're fired.

Are you ready for this?

2011-12-09T21:29:00.000-05:00

You have no idea how I kick myself for not documenting this stuff better so that my Future Self - and you - can look back and remember that yes, this happened. You just can't make this stuff up unless you're Christopher Guest. I would totally go see this. Welcome to Indecision 2012 kids. I promise to give more frequent updates as the chaos unfolds...

THE LATEST

No joke ya'll, after being declared as good as dead (the campaign not the man) in May, Newt Gingrich has managed to emerge as the GOP flavor of the month. Normally this would be a good thing for him but if the past 6 months has told us nothing else, it's that the number 1 man - or woman - has nowhere to go but down.

July #1: Bachmann

August/September #1: Perry

October #1: Caine

December #1: Gingrich

RECAP

Even after wrapping a bus and touring the nation, Palin finally declared herself to be both officially not running and also to officially be out of contention last spring.
Trump's unofficial star also fizzled out in the spring after an almost maniacle campaign to debunk Obama's birth country came up bogus. Seriously? And oh happy day, The Don still threatens to run as an Independent if he's not happy with the final GOP candidate! I'm crossing my digits ya'll.
As of now, Bachmann is barely a blip on the radar and she still wants to set up a double-walled electric fence along the Mexico border. And also? Michele Bachmann legs is still the #1 way that people find my blog. What the fug??
Perry's late summer entrance and rise was astonomical but his evenutal fall has been slow, steady and at times downright uncomfortable to watch. Click here to find out more. He's an idiot.
The latest roller coaster derailment comes in the form of a former GOP leader of the pack candidate by the name Caine. That's Herman Caine to you but Herb Caine to Sarah Palin. Oh Sarah, I hope you never go away. But I digress, back to the Caine Train Wreck... Not shockingly, Herman finally threw in the towel last week after a series of undeniable sex skeletons came tumbling out of his closet. Everything from settled harrassment suits to a 13 year affair. Eek. It's sad to think his team made this video for nothing...

I am, America...

Not mentioned much is Mitt Romney but that's mostly because he has yet to hold a steady 1st place lead since May. Instead he has maintained a solid 2nd place lead which means he doesn't get the skeleton diggers rummaging through his closets - yet.

Anything for a little face time.

COMING UP

Recently Trump decided that he possesses the mad skillz for debate moderation and announced his plans to moderate a December 27 Iowa debate. This is not a joke. Sadly, most of the GOP candidates are not taking his latest attempt to remain relevant seriously except of course for our man Newt and former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum - the only ones willing to show up for the shenanigans. I admit, I'll be a little disappointed if it doesn't happen.

PREDICTION
It's all gonna come down to a Trump-backed Newt - v - Mitt.

AND ALSO
'Newt' and 'Mitt', really??

A New Tradition

2011-11-25T20:38:00.001-05:00

I'm the first to admit that it stinks not living near family - DO YOU HEAR THAT FAMILY!?!? It STINKS I tell ya. Yet we seem to put ourselves into this situation quite often. First Prague, now Indy. You miss out on a lot when you live far away and trying to fit in a year's worth of life over a week-long visit just doesn't cut it. And holidays? Bittersweet. So last year Kev and I decided not to go anywhere for Thanksgiving and by anywhere I mean avoided all trains, planes, and automobiles to visit family. Instead we... dun dun dun... Stayed put. And it was glorious - no offense family. In fact it was so glorious we did it again this year and have officially declared it a new tradition.

Early morning 4.5 mile Drum Stick Dash through Broad Ripple Village with 15,000 of our closest friends, then home to whip up 10 lbs. of mashed potatoes a'la Kev and 4 dozen develled eggs a'la moi while watching Packers-v-Lions. Said potatoes and eggs have become the extent of our Thanksgiving cullinary efforts which we take next door for our Urban Family Thanksgiving with The Best Neighbors Ever. The Best Neighbors Ever who, for most holidays, have a revolving door of family, friends, and neighbors, always with more than enough food and drink for whomever lands on their doorstep. They are just that awesome.

Kev and I recently decided to stay put this Christmas as well. This one was a difficult decision as we had been planning on heading down to Texas but instead we will stay here with Norman, who at the ripe old age of 15 is not fit to travel let alone hang in a kennel for a week. When Kev first suggested this Christmas plan it was unfortuantely while we were running a couple weeks ago. It took a while to stop hyperventillating - true story -because the thought of not seeing Bubba this Christmas - or ever - made me double over like I'd been punched in the gut. This is when living far away hurts the most. The notion that I would be seeing her again soon was the only thing that kept me from hyperventillating when I left Texas a month ago. But then the more I thought about it the more I realized that staying put in Indy is probably for the best. I can not work for a week and not have to travel anywhere. I can have a Christmas tree in my house for the first time in 9 years. I can remember my last visit with Bubba as one of the best moments of my life. I can invite family here and see who shows up.

Do you hear that family? You're all invited. The door's open. And bring presents.

These guys totally have my vote.

2011-11-13T21:35:00.001-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring to you our future leaders of America. I speak specifically of the kids in the boxes...

Meet 4 year old Nolan. A year ago he decided that he wanted to be a box of candles for Halloween. A box of candles at the age of 3. His mom thought he'd forget about it but low and behold when this Halloween rolled around and the whole 'What do you wanna be for Halloween' conversation came up, our little genius proudly announced a box of candles. And so he was.

Next up - 7 year old Stella. Oh wait, confused as to which one she is? Here, let me zoom in...

That's better. Introducing 7 year old Stel-la (pronounced Stel-LA with hands out to the sides Egyptian style, and head moving side to side) who went as Thing from the Adam's Family. The girl had this costume down ya'll. If you look closely you can see a little cut out square where she could still see. She would walk up to the houses and set her box down, then stick her hand out and point to the trick-or-treat sign. Again, genius.

Seriously, my costumes were never this cool and they're still not. In fact, I've discovered that I have a bit of a complex when it comes to dressing up for Halloween because my costumes always sucked. But these kids? These kids are down right amazing and genius. These are our future leaders of America folks so get ready.

New Shoes

2011-11-06T20:45:00.000-05:00

Sketchers - the new ruby reds?

So let's pretend for like a second that it hasn't been six weeks since my last post....

Today Kev and I got new shoes and for the first time in the history of ever, he is way more excited about getting new kicks than I am. What's happened to me?? I'll tell you what's happened to me... Sensible effing shoes have happened to me. Ugh. Sensible shoes. So sensible that they're Sketchers folks. Kev was impressed at least: Cool, Sketchers he said, eye brows bouncing up and down. The kid was legitimately impressed. So my new cool shoes will now be worn with my work uniform. Yes, I said work uniform and thank you Jesus it only has to be donned once - sometimes twice - a week. That too has it's pros and cons but let's just keep it to the shoes for now.

Why now with the sensible shoes? You may be asking this very question - or not. The answer is I had no choice. I could no longer ignore the silent screams of my barking dogs (a southern expression?) at the end of the (sometimes) 8-12 hour event days. I had no choice. And now? Not 1, but 2 pairs of Sketchers are kickin it in my closet full of beloved heels. The implications of this have me reeling: I'm getting old ya'll and all my fancy high heeled shoes are no longer practical for my vertically challenged self. Mother Nature you slay me.

But like I said, I'm not throwing in the heels just yet. I figure a day or 2 a week of practicallity won't be too traumatic although it might be a bit confusing to some of my co-workers who may notice my 0-3 inch variance in height every once in a while. When I was little I used to get so excited about new shoes that I would honest to God tuck them into bed with me the first night of having them. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Needless to say I won't be tucking the new kids in with me tonight but I can't say the same for Kev. He was so excited about his fancy new work shoes that he put them on as soon as I came home with them and wore them proudly all afternoon and evening with his Packers jersey, cargo shorts, and knee-high blue socks - it's November after all. He was prtty disappointed that I didn't share the same enthusiasm because they are after all, new shoes.

You're Welcome.

2011-09-25T21:40:00.000-04:00

I've laughed at this 100 times. Make that 101.

You can'tdo this and not laugh.
And then do it again. And laugh again.

Heh em.

This totally works. I've tried it.

To hear the full audio to this 911 call click here. Because it is amazing.

Not all of you will get this and that's OK.

Anyone? Anyone?

Best brick repair job EVER.

At some point stupid pays off.

You just have to stare.

This really is uncanny.

Bliss.

This is one scary ass gnome.

Pink nightmare.

The Blahtte. It's Back.

2011-09-25T14:12:00.000-04:00

I felt the need to re-post this from last year because whether we like it or not folks, these damn drinks just refuse to go away. In fact, I fear they are becoming even more cultish and I secretly suspect that Starbucks may use crack as a secret ingredient for all the insanity and stampeding that surrounds these piping hot bevs...

Pay no mind to this 90 degree late September Monday because according to the Starbucks calendar it's Fall ya'll. And what does Fall bring? That's right, all together now - The Pumpkin Spice Latte... blek.

First of all, I don't get it. I've tried them, twice, and gagged both times. To me it was like someone had taken pumpkin bread and put it into a blender with a shit ton of whipping cream, heated it, and poured it in a cup and then topped it off with even more whipping cream and served it up 'fresh'. And so help me they are chewy, chewy I say. I have good friends and co-workers that live for this time of year and are downright giddy solely because of that cup of gross, and quite frankly most of those individuals make good solid choices throughout the rest of the year. This one however has me questioning all of you.

The calorie content in those little drinks kills me. Me, I'm a foodie, and I'd much rather blow that 400-500 calories on bacon and eggs. Or 3 bowls of raisin bran - seriously. Did you know you can check out all the nutritional information of Starbucks drinks online? Of course you did. But you can Check it out here anyways. It's hours of entertainment to distract you from your work day. I'm happy to see that my usual Starbucks fairs don't creep past 200 and really even less than that since I habitually get sugar-free because I'm edgy like that. But like I said, bacon and eggs and raisin bran.

But really, to each their own friends. Enjoy your Pumpkin Spice Lattes. After all, it's like steaming hot Thanksgiving Dinner in a cup. Yum! Me, I won't say a thing.

Every Thing On It.

2011-09-21T23:55:00.000-04:00

I asked for a hot dog
With everything on it,
And that was my big mistake,
‘Cause it came with a parrot,
A bee in a bonnet,
A wristwatch, a wrench, and a rake.
It came with a goldfish,
A flag, and a fiddle,
A frog, and a front porch swing
And a mouse in a mask–
that’s the last time I ask
For a hot dog with everything.

Some of my earliest literary memories involve the cheeky prose of Shel Silverstein. When I was 8 I was determined to go through Where the Sidewalk Ends page by page and memorize every damn line. So I did. And now? Ickle Me, Pickle Me, Tickle Me Too bubbles to the surface and spews forth like it's just another breath from my body. I can still rattle off the tale of little Melinda Mae who - bless her - ate that monsterous whale, she thought she could, she said she would so she started in right at the tail and OMG, Sister For Sale sill haunts me to this day. These things I remember.

As I grew up I continued to collect and devour it all - minus the Playboy articles. I even wrote a paper in college on The Missing Piece Meets the Big O. Hi, I was a Psych major and I'm sure it was brilliant. And now, 12 years after his passing, Shel Silverstein graces us from beyond the grave and fills our senses once more with Every Thing On it. And we're 8 again. Reading aloud.

progress.

2011-09-21T22:17:00.001-04:00

So to the 13,000 people who, for the past 20 years we have not allowed to serve in the military we say to thee: We forgive you. Feel free to come back and risk your life for our country.

But seriously, yay progress.

chill.

2011-09-14T20:48:00.000-04:00

It's rainy. It's cold. Or coldish. It's 58 degrees and it feels like fall. Even Dallas is a chilly 92 degrees today. By the way, Texas officially broke the record for hottest three months ever recorded in the history of the United States. The average temperature of my beloved Lone Star State for the months of June-August was 86.6 and that includes averaging in the night time lows my friends. Holy hell on fire ya'll that sucks. And speaking of fire? Yeah, it's still ablaze. What the eff.

But back to Indy where it's chilly and rainy and I'm on my porch in my warm fleeced comfies, sipping wine and listening to the maudlin sounds of Bon Iver. Where have you been happy place? I've missed you. I went back and looked at posts from this time last year - and the year before - and guess what. It was 2 years ago that I hurt my ankle. 'Active me' ceased to be and I spent the next 6 months on crutches. Then surgery. Then more crutches for 2 more months. Then baby steps. And some walls. Then more baby steps. More walls. Then 2 weeks ago I ~~competed~~ participated in a triathlon and I finished. Slow and steady ya'll.

Lots coming up, lots on the horizon. First up, Friday is my 6 year wedding anniversary. Six years. Chump change to many of you but we've actually been together for 12 years which, when I think about it, is longer than my mom and dad were even married. Inneresting. But I digress. So yeah, six years ago I became for real Schovillova. The only one on record to be sure, that's how it reads on my marriage certificate since we were marrried in the Czech Republic. 6 years ago my yeti and I were living in Prague and drinking $1 half liter beers. We had no car, owned no house, our only possessions were in a storage pod in Dallas somewhere - and in various parents' attics. We traveled via trains and buses and could travel to 3-5 diffferent countries consecutively with nothing more than what we could carry in our back packs. Those were happy times.

But so are these dammit. On my porch on a rain chilled September evening. Middle America. Wine. Bon Iver. Yeti.

Texas is on Fire Ya'll!

2011-09-05T00:13:00.001-04:00

This is some scary shit. Central Texas is facing it's worse fire season in state history with over 3.5 million acres already burned. Looking at the picture it's hard to imagine how one goes about putting out a fire of this magnitude. Hoses? Buckets? Where is Super Man with that frozen lake dammit? And also? Why are these people driving straight the hell into it?
Why yes honey, today is an excellent day to drive through the GATES OF HELL.

Michele Bachman's legs and other weird ways people found my blog this week.

2011-09-04T21:08:00.000-04:00

8 saintly people searched virgin mary statue. I can thank my niece's toddler obsession with the Blessed Virgin.
6 savvy searchers schovillova.blogspot.com.
6 folks searched schovillova.
2 creepy people were looking for michele bachmann legs pictures 2.
2 people tried mother mary statue - I wonder if they switched to virgin mary statue when they kept landing on my blog.
2 people were looking for tammy sporlede - whoever the hell that is..
1 validating search was I blew my nose and fainted.  This made me happy.
1 person needed to learn more about the indy go girl triathlon bike crash. I wonder if that was the person behind me. She wiped out big time coming into the transition area but managed to bounce back  freaksihly fast for just having ridden a hilly 10 miles. I'm pretty sure I would have just laid there.
1 person - bless them - was looking for mary statue.  God I bet this person was pissed by the time they finally found an actual site with statues of Mary.
And 1 person was looking for me. nicole schoville. Freaky.

Mystery Solved.

2011-08-28T19:02:00.002-04:00

Muammar Gadaffi - v - Carlos Santana

You're welcome CIA.

You Can Call Me 5-5-7 Bitches: Memoirs of a Rookie Triathlete

2011-08-28T15:48:00.001-04:00

I freaking did it. Yesterday was a monumental day for yours truly as I actually ~~competed~~ participated in the Indy Go Girl Triathlon and I finished ya'll. Did I have doubts? You betcha. Was I doing it to win? Hell no. Did I follow the rigorous training schedule and regimented diet that was highly encouraged for a first time triathloner? No I did not. Then why did I do it? Because I knew that I could. Or at least I hoped that I could. I was totally prepared to die trying.

Trust me when I say that Kev was probably more surprised than anyone that I finally decided to really do it (last weekend to be precise). Last Sunday I asked him if he wanted to go on a 10 mile bike ride.
Kev: Why 10 miles?
Me: Because that's how long the bike ride is for that triathlon next weekend.
Kev: You're really doing that?
Me: I think so.
Kev: Have you been training? Have you been swimming? Have you even registered?
Me: Not really, no, and no. But I used to do swim team in high school. And I've been running on and off all summer. And we biked to the track in May... Kev sighed heavily and shook his head but aired up my bike tires any ways and we were on our way downtown. Our 10 miles were cut short by a torrential down pour of end-of-days like proportions, hail included. We hauled ass the 4 miles back to the house, heads down, bikes blowing, but we made it dammit. And that was my bike training.

Dude, I used to swim in high
school. How hard can it be?

I ran on Monday and Tuesday. 2 and 3 miles. I made a half-ass attempt to find a time to swim but before I knew it the end of the week had arrived. Kev and I scored tickets to the Packers-v-Colts preseason game on Friday night so like a good husband he checked to make sure that I was in fact still planning on doing the tri. But I was determined. I didn't even have one stinking beer at the game when I was offered. Sorry folks, I'm in trainig. It was water only for this budding triathlete.

5:30 a.m. came early and thank you Jesus Kev had thought to put my bike (after removing the tire which I totally hadn't even thought about) into his car the night before. I still needed to register and thus needed to get there early but someow our easy 15 minute drive

My super-smooth 4 minute tran-
sition. Out damn rocks! Out I say!

to Eagle Creek Park turned into a 45 minute fiasco of u-turns, wrong ways, and corn fields. I was ready to get out and walk but Kev kept locking my damn door. But we made it. Tons of people there. High energy. I was getting excited and nauseated. Kev kept looking at me with raised eyebrows as the hard bodied triathletes mingled between and among us and even I uttered the phrase What the hell have I gotten myself into? a few times. And then I began to see some not so hard bodied triathletes and felt immediately better. We started with the 500 meter swim through blue green algae infested lake water. It didn't look too bad and I thought Oh hell yeah, I can totally do this. I was up next in the sea of 600 bodies to enter the water and I got my 'You go girl!' starting cry (which sounds totally cheesey but I swear to god it gave me goose bumps and maybe I got a little teary) and I was off in a sea of chaos. My plan was to stay on the outside but so that was everyone's plan. There were a few times in the first stretch where I thought This is how I die. I get pummeled to death in a frenzy of kicking arms and legs while the life guard on her surf board adjusts her angle for maximum sun exposure. Like fish swimming upstream, we were traveling around, over, and under one another:

It was every fish for herself.

Then there were those who turned to their backs to swim/float, but they also lost direction so as the majority of us were fighting to swim straight ahead those back swimmers criss-crossed - sometimes going perpindicuar to - traffic without a care in the world. I admit, I ran over a few by accident but then was quick to help them course correct. I got socked in the stomach and pummeled in the face repeatedly but I kept going. By the last stretch we had thinned out and I kicked it into high gear as I could make out land through fogged up goggles.

If I let go of the bike I will fall.
If I let go of the bike I will fall.

While I didn't break any Olympic records with my swim I still managed to pull it off in 15 minutes - 5 minutes less than I had estimated it would take me. Thank you Coach Moore. My transition time from drowned rat to road warrior was apparently 4+ minutes - about 2 minutes more than the average bear - but I didn't care. I took my time. Wanted to be dry. Wiped down my poor sandy feet and hydrated. Then I was off on the bike. Lots of hills and some moments where I really wanted to just jump off and walk it the rest of the way, but like magic, I would get buzzed with the 'You go girl!' war cry and I stayed on that damn bike and I rode that 10 miles.

All I had left was my run. As I rode into the transition area I got re-energized. Ah, 3 miles of running? Pas ne problem. Then I jumped off my bike and my legs buckeled. They were like jelly and I could not fathom running the 3 miles, let alone conquering the hill just to get out of the transition area. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuug. I was toast. My efforts at running the hill were abismal at best so I said screw it and I walked for about 2 full minutes until I got my land legs back. There, I said it. I walked. I reminded myself that I just wanted to finish and that Coach Wolfe was not going to jump out from the trees and yell Get your ass moving Herron! I started having fun again. I met friends who had been training for months and I also met some who were ashamed to admit that they hadn't been training much at all - Yes! Fellow assholes! And we ran it together.

I Freaking did it ya'll!

Throughout the entire event I was showered with You go 5-5-7! and You're almost home 5-5-7! My favorite was This is your last hill 5-5-7! and all I wanted to do was shout back No it's not you freaking liar but I didn't. I smiled and kept going. Kev was there at the end, clicking away and cheering me on like a maniac. 20 minutes less than I thought it would take and I was done.

Beer, Bojangles, and Bubba.

2011-07-19T14:56:00.000-04:00

There were few things that could bring a smile to Bubba's sad little face last weekend as she remained hostage in the hospital (as she put it) with a healing pelvis and frail little limbs. So what do you do when your 88 year old grandmother pleads with you to smuggle in beer and her dog? You do it dammit. And when she pleads with you to go to the Texaco station to buy her more beer? You do that too because after all she swears she'd do it for you, and anyone who knows Bubba knows that's a fact.

She's pissed as hell about being 'locked up' and if her car was there she swears she'd tear out of that parking lot so fast... because you know, the lack of vehicle is the only thing keeping her from leaving the joint. So yeah, I did it. I smuggled her beer 2 days in a row and brought her beloved companion Bojangles who we're pretty sure she's leaving everything in her will to and that's ok because I got to see this and it was worth it.

Top Bubba Quotes of 2011:

The South will rise again, you are an angel straight from Heaven. (after being handed beer #2 on Saturday)
I will die before I quit drinking beer.
Did you come to spring me? Did you bring me a nail file?
She even got poetic:

Oh I like drinking beer, it makes me a jolly good felllllow.

Oh I like drinking beer, sometimes it makes me melllllow.

(after beer #4 on Sunday, just before she passed into a peaceful snoring slumber)

Drunk Flight Attendant Says...

2011-07-18T22:16:00.000-04:00

The cure for a scared flier? Drunk flight attendant. I admit I almost didn't get on the last leg of my flight from Chicago to Naptown when I saw that even I had to duck down to board the flight. Somehow my co-worker and I were a few of the first to get on the very tiny plane and just after I squeezed past the flight attendant (Jackie) who was hanging half-way into the cockpit, she threw her arm iron-claw style past me and bellowed NO ONE ELSE CAN BOARD! WE ARE HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES THAT MAY NEVER GET FIXED! She looked to be in her mid-twenties and had a distinct shine to her face, blood-shot eyes, sweat rolling past her ears - but I kept on to my seat. I didn't think I could get past the iron claw back to the jet bridge.

Me (meekly): Um, should we go ahead and unboard? At this point I'd noticed that all the shades were drawn, it was pitch black on the plane and hot. as. hell. That technical difficulty? A little thing called no a/c.

Flight Attendant Jackie: Meh, it's up to you. She didn't even turn around to give me the meh. She held an ice cold glass of something to her forehead.

Fast-forward 10 minutes and exit plane mechanic, the plane comes alive and Flight Attendant Jackie has wiped down the sweat beads and put on her best flight attendant smile. It took all of 10 more minutes for folks to board, then Flight Attendant Jackie started playing the game. You know, the one where moving 2 or 3 people to different seats is the difference in whether or not your plane goes down in a firey ball. And then? She moved those same 2 or 3 bodies back to their original starting positions and laughed. This act was followed by a reassuring: Don't worry folks, we will make it to Indy on time. You know how I know? It's because I have a hot date tonight! A quick nod of reassurance and she was pointing out the exit rows.

Jackie was on fire. As she moved on to the mask instructions her self-sensor remained non existent: In the event of an emergency and if you are traveling with a small child, place your mask on first, and then place your child's mask. If you are traveling with 2 small children, place your mask first, and then place the mask on the child with the most earning potential.

I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. She tapped off her spiel with: If you have heard and understand everything I've said, raise your hand. Pause. Glance. Nod. Meh, good enough. And that was that. She passed out a tray of warm iceless OJ, tomato juice, and water, offering side bottles of Vodka. We landed in Indy in no time and Flight Attendant Jackie was quick to remind us to please unboard in a timely manner because you know, she had a hot date.

Killer Klowns from Waterloo

2011-06-29T00:55:00.001-04:00

OMG I cannot wait for the 2012 Presidential race to hurry up and get under way already! For real folks, it's gonna be a circus. The pre-show has not disappointed as yesterday, Tea Party icon and hopeful GOP nominee Michele Bachmann told Fox News (blek) that she wants people to know that like her, John Wayne was also from Waterloo, Iowa, and 'that's the kind of spirit I have'. Someone had to have gotten fired for that fact fail because the John Wayne from Waterloo, Iowa, is in fact John Wayne Gacy. You know, the clown-clad serial killer of 33 boys in the 70's (he buried the bodies under his home in Chicago - talk about spirit!). Yeah, that John Wayne, is from Waterloo. Whereas this handsome devil...

is not. He's from Winterset, Iowa, but close enough, right?

Tic toc ya'll.

It's Called Living Art Ya'll.

2011-06-23T23:53:00.002-04:00

Field trip day for my summer camp at the IMA 100 Acres Park. We took 60 kids ages 6-12 to let them run amock (in a semi-structured fashion of course) among the outdoor sculptures and trees. 6-year old Teah banged her knee pretty good on the Funky Bones and was forced to stay behind with your truly while we waited for her mom to maybe or maybe come to retrieve her. While we waited we iced the swelling knee and waxed poetic. She might be the funniest kid I've ever encountered. Our bus driver ideled yards away in case we needed transport back to the museum and I thought to myself What a nice man to volunteer to do that but then I soon realized the error of my thinking. As Teah and I laid on the plush grass and turned gray skies into fish and stars, I glanced up to see the Nice Man Bus Driver hanging half way out of his window, mouth agape, eyes wide. Teah noticed too and we both turned in unison to the object of his, um, attention. Here's what we saw:

Teah: Miss Nicole! What's she doing?

Miss Nicole: Posing? Resting?
Teah: But you said we're not supposed to climb on the art! And look at those shoes!
Miss Nicole: Look Teah, I spy a rabbit!
Teah: Miss Nicole, why is she wearing a bathing suit?
Nice Man Bus Driver: HEY! COME OVER HERE! I GOT A GOOD SHOT FOR YOU!(apparently there was someone with a camera clicking away as our orange-shoed friend climbed amidst the non-climbable art installation and in heels no less!)
Teah: Why is he yelling at them?
Miss Nicole: I don't know but let's not stare. Did you know that you can make music with just 2 blades of grass?
Teah: Huh?
Nice Man Bus Driver: I'M TELLING YOU, THE PERFECT SHOT IS RIGHT THERE! I cringed uncomfortably.
Teah: Eyes popping out of her head as the scene unfolded behind her back. She slapped her hands to the sides of her face and exclaimed Oh miss Nicole this is so embarassing! He loves her!
Miss Nicole: I don't know Teah, maybe. But I think she's ignoring him.
Teah: She doesn't love him, he should stop yelling. I can't watch! She covered her eyes, shaking her head back and forth. Priceless.
As the photoshoot continued the Nice Man Bus Driver believe it or not managed to get the photographer's attention and they shared trade secrets and guess what, this was the money shot:

Side note: This week of camp the theme is all things art; How all different mediums can be used to create art. Jelly Beans can be turned into art and so can coffee pots. By this time we ditched the blades of grass and just plain ol watched the photoshoot continue...

Miss Nicole: Teah, do you think she could be art?

Teah: Yeah, head tilting, looking thoughtful, I would call her 'living art'.

Hi, yes, this is the Universe Calling.

2011-06-20T21:20:00.001-04:00

I tried in vain to put off running yesterday. Why? Because I don't always like it. I like the effects and sometimes its the only freaking thing that gets me away from my desk but really? I'd rather be sitting on my porch with wine. Or coffee.

Yesterday had all the promises of a lazy rainy Sunday, with little hope of running, despite my current 'training schedule'. Kev tried to get me to go when we first got up but I distracted him with my yummy quiche (and no that's not a metaphor for anything else, it really was quiche - 2 kinds with tons of fresh herbs from my garden). Then I distracted myself with neighbors. Lots of them from all directions, convening on my beloved porch for coffee, quiche, fried rosemary (from my garden too - just call me Martha) potatoes and whatever else folks could find. Hours were spent playing catch up as the gray skies spat and spewed and sometimes thinned just a bit. But even with all of that goodness the running was never far from my mind.

Why am I so anti-running all of a sudden? I'll let you in on a little secret: I don't like working out. There, I said it. Shocking, right? This coming from a person who gets paid to get others to work out. The irony is almost painful. But I don't consider all activity that happens to burn calories to be a workout. Heh-em. Like Yoga. Or leisurely biking. Swimming mayhaps or even a run to de-stress (which I do frequently). Those are outlets, not workouts. The workout angst happens when, for example, I start to train for something and all of a sudden the pressure of that alone is enough for me to psyche myself into a frenzy of negative inner dialogue that has me coming up with every excuse in the book to not do it. Hence yesterday's quiche and neighbors. Then it was work. Then I had to go teach.

The excuses were justa piling up. When I got done teaching I started to walk past the heated yoga room where a class had just started. I looked outside to the sunny skies of early dusk with plenty of light for a few good miles. I looked back to the heated yoga. Back to dusk. I said eff it and went for the sweltering hot drippy slippy heated yoga class and it was glorious. When I emerged an hour later, buzzing and energized, it was 7 p.m. and still perfectly light. CURSES. So I called my dad, after all it was Father's Day. 59 minutes later it was still light out and I had my running shoes on and could be heard uttering the words, Sorry Dad, I have to get a run in before it gets too dark. I'm training you know. So I hit the pavement sans ipod, hoping to just get through the next 3 miles without stopping or cutting short. 3 stinking miles:

You can do this. But oh, how ridiculous running can be. I mean really, why do I need to get there so quickly? What am I running from? To? I'm just running in circles. Jesus, are you kidding?? I'm only at 46th?? Fug. This is torture. Why do I do this to myself? Maybe I could just walk for like 20 steps once I get to 52nd. Who's gonna know? I will! Come on! It's only three effing miles! Get a hold of yourself girl. Oh that damn quiche...

As me, myself, and I continued to trek along, the dialogue got louder. Note to self, never run without your ipod ever again. In fact don't do anything without your ipod ever again. 2 miles down and I hadn't stopped but was looking forward to the red light up ahead. A little bitty pause was coming up. As I reached the 46th St. (remember, I run in circles apparently) corner I was just about to take my delicious pause when the red light suddenly jumped to a bright loud green and I heard the words being shouted Damn girl! Take pride in what you do! But they weren't being shouted at me, they were being shouted at a rather mousey looking girl in the driver's seat of a little white Geo, being shouted by what appeared to be a very frustrated guy in the passenger's seat. Ouch. Although the message was not for me it was received. Loud and clear.

Just past the shouting Geo, I slowed as I approached a very elderly woman, shuffling ever so slowly with her walker tight in hands. Elbow held supportively and protectively by a younger gentleman, she inched her way to a vehicle on the street with little steps attached. I slowed thinking that I would let her pass, knowing that I could have made it but still, I was still looking forward to a pause. A breath. But then she stopped instead and met my eyes as I continued to jog towards her. She let go of her walker (you can't make this shit up) and gave me 2 thumbs up I swear to Jesus and said I used to do that. Christ on crutches I smiled like the dickens and sprinted off, booking it the last half mile until I got to my door steps.

Ok Universe, I hear you loud and clear! Take pride in what I do! Keep going because I won't be able to do it forever! I'm queen of the world! I can do anything! Then I walked into my kitchen and their was dog poop on the floor. Yes Universe, I'm still listening.

To the Drunk Guy in the Bar -

2011-06-12T10:28:00.002-04:00

You're an asshole.

Did you know that? I doubt that I'm the first to tell you. You looked right at me and asked me if I had kids. I said no. You said you don't know how lucky you are. Really? I'm lucky? I asked you how many you had and you said I have three and my life has never been the same. Once you have them you don't have a life of your own anymore. Don't ever have kids you said. I asked if you regretted having them and you said yes and no. Then you don't deserve them I thought. Then you actually kept talking... They consume all your time, your money, and thoughts. You can't stay out late in bars anymore (Really? You could have fooled me.) and they'll ruin your marriage. Are you still married? you said For twenty years. Nothing's been the same since we had kids. Everything changed. We can't do things together just the two of us anymore. Then you're not trying hard enough. I said that much at least. You said the words Having kids was the best and worst thing that ever happened to me, but really, they're the light of my life. Clearly.

I don't know why I bit my tongue so hard that night and didn't call you an asshole right then. I think I felt sorry for you but felt sorry for your kids even more. I wish that I had shouted Screw you man! I wish that I had told you that you don't know how lucky you are to have them but sadly they are not lucky to have you. Because you know, you're an asshole.

Sincerely,
Schovillova

If I Had a Hammer

2011-06-05T20:06:00.000-04:00

You can thank WFYI for this post....

Any proper child of the 70's and before should be able to deftly finish the phrase If I had a hammer. Not only that, but you should also be able to continue through the rest of the chorus in a sing-songy manner while attempting harmony. You might even be standing up by the time you sing your way to the last few lines, head shaking back and forth, fists clenched, It's the hammer of justice, it's the bell of free-ee-dom, it's the song about the love between by brothers and my sisters, aaa-aa-allll over this laa-aaa-aaa-and. Woooooooooo.

Now you're saying to yourself, Damn you Schovillova for putting that song into my head! Why did I do this to you? I'm just sharing the love kids, sharing the love. And also? I'm reminiscing about some of my earliest musical influences and dare I say my first concert ever. That's right, that motley crew pictured above was in fact my first live musical performance at what was once known as Starplex Amphitheater located deep in the heart of Dallas Tejas - aka Smirnoff Music Center. Ugh. My memories of that event are limited but what I do know is that we sat on the lawn, I was with my mom, dad and sis, and we were on a blanket. And I had Cheez-its. To this day I can't look at a box of Cheez-its without humming a few bars of Puff the Magic Dragon. Early 80's best guess.

I know few who can top my first concert experience (besides my mom whose first concert was The Monkees) and I'm happy to report that it was uphill from there. Nights running around Poor David's Pub when I was no taller than the bar peppered my taste buds with some of Texas's finest and still to this day I'm a sucker for anything Willie or Stevie Ray. My next ones came at the tail end of my freshman year of high school with Lynyrd Skynyrd and Bad Company, followed shortly by Buffet, Steve Miller and James Taylor repeatedly. By 16 I was sneaking into bars with fake ID's in search of more relevant artists like Better Than Ezra and Dave Matthews, and after that it all runs together. U2, Moby, and Bob Dylan in Prague stick out as some of my favorite live shows but Stevie Wonder singing at the Obama rally during the 2008 Democratic primaries in Naptown takes the cake. The minute he came out on stage I started to cry like a baby, uncontrollable and raw. Kevin looked at me like I had 2 heads but steadied me anyways while I strained to stay upright on the tips of my toes, inching my way towards the stage. Strangest live show reaction to date and I was totally sober ya'll. So many years and so many shows, but trust me when I say that it all started with Peter, Paul & Mary.

When Zombies Attack.

2011-05-19T22:59:00.005-04:00

I can't take credit for this but read it anyway, it could save your life. The CDC got clever this week and posted an ad for disaster preparedness under the guise of 'What to do when the zombies take over'. Ironically, as soon as they tweeted it out their blogsite crashed. Ummm... So in case it happens again, here's the long-short.

Are you ready?

1. Identify the types of emergencies that are possible in your area. Besides a zombie apocalypse, this may include floods, tornadoes, or earthquakes. If you are unsure, contact your local Red Cross chapter for more information.
2. Pick a meeting place for your family to regroup in case zombies invade your home . . . or your town evacuates because of a hurricane. Pick one place right outside your home for sudden emergencies and one place outside of your neighborhood in case you are unable to return home right away.
3. Identify your emergency contacts. Make a list of local contacts like the police, fire department, and your local zombie response team. Also identify an out-of-state contact that you can call during an emergency to let the rest of your family know you are OK.
4. Plan your evacuation route. When zombies are hungry, they won't stop until they get food (i.e., brains), which means you need to get out of town fast! Plan where you would go and multiple routes you would take ahead of time so that the flesh eaters don't have a chance! This is also helpful when natural disasters strike and you have to take shelter fast.

It's amazing how these guidelines seem to fit for just about any major disaster, thank goodness. Less for us to remember. But let's be honest folks, in the case of a real zombie apolcalypse we'd all be toast. Everyone knows that the average response to threat would be slower than the rate of growth, giving the zombie plague time to expand beyond containment. Duh.

Putting It Out There

2011-05-17T00:12:00.002-04:00

K, here it goes ya'll...

I think I can, I think I can...

I'm gonna sign up for the August 20th Sprint Triathlon and the September 3rd Women's Half Marathon. Not only that but me thinks I'll even train for them and if all goes well, I will even participate in them. As in compete. But not compete like vying against one's neighbor and stuff but compete as in participate for sport. Seriously.

Why do I feel the need to post this as if it's something interesting for you to read? Well kids, I need your help. I needed to post this here for all of you and Future Me to witness, thus making me accountable for my whims. So while these recent ambitions are still fresh and new, I wanted to get them in writing. Needed to for me. Besides, all the training will help balance out the increased wine calories that I'm sure to consume from my porch this summer.

Thoughts?

Not Shocking...

2011-05-15T01:13:00.002-04:00

Not better than the original.

Still the Queen of the Amazons.

Guess who got the ax even before getting an air date? Sorry Mr. Kelley but I can't say that I'm surprised. And while we're at it, I also admit that I'm secretly relieved for I would have felt compelled to give the 'New Wonder Woman' a chance and would have sat through the pilot and who knows how many other episodes. And I'm still not tooting my own horn or anything but it does give me comfort to know that I was not alone in the anti-costume backlash and apparently round 2 didn't fare much better. But alas, the critics have spoken and it's official. Somethings are better left in their original format.

Still #Furiouslyhappy

2011-05-15T00:27:00.001-04:00

It's officially time to shake of the funk that was 2011's first quarter/third. Spring is here finally and with it comes all thinks good and furiously freaking happy...

That's right ya'll, it's that time. Porch time. I plan on clocking a lot of hours out here so get ready. And speaking of porches...

Remember this hot mess? You know, the 70 year old Saturday afternoon drunk that ran into my precious porch 2 years ago? Well look at us now bitches...

Still a work in progress but it's progress none the less. These bushes will be on fire come fall!

Ah yes, more progress. Once over grown with tangled rogue rose bushes and poison ivy out the wazoo, this bed now lays home to peace and harmony and all things pretty. Please note the painted yard art. So far the best advice of 2011 and a fun new project!

#DamnYouAutoCorrect

2011-05-14T21:51:00.001-04:00

You can't make this stuff up. This totally happened. Twice.

Thursday night texting with Co-worker Carrie:
cc: What are you doing this eve?
me: I taught til 8 then went to neighbors' - you?
cc: Playing with cat and sister.
me: Awwwww. #cutestthingever. Penis still 11ish? Can Katie go?
me: Oh shit! I said pedis!
me: F*cking autocorrect!
cc: Yes on both counts.

And as if that wasn't enough, auotcorrect bit me in the ass again the next morning...
me: Getting penis before work - wooooo!
me: Shit! Pedi mom. I'm getting a pedi before work. F*cking autocorrect.
mom: omg this made my day. Thank you!

Did you miss me?

What the H.

2011-05-10T20:54:00.016-04:00

What the H ya'll, I haven't been this delinquent since 2010. I feel so.... lazy. Although I like to think I'm not, but still it feels that way. Is it a coincidence that my delinquency coincided with my mlb.tv acquisition? Thank you Queenkandis for pointing that out. I admit, mlb.tv has been a game changer for me but I will try to find my balance. It's still early in the season - must. find. balance. And the Rangers must find their wins again and unload some of that DL, huh? Our outfielders that we started with have all been sidelined with injuries and it's only May. Not only that, but they have managed to slip into a tie for second, 2 games away from first. #toocloseforcomfort. Fug.

So here's some stuff that's been ahappenin lately and had I written it in the past then my present self would be like 'No way!' But it's totally true Future Self so check this sh*t out:

I paid $4.19 for gas today which is an improvement over last week's $4.24 - no lie. Thank you Jesus I only live a mile from work and Kev's commute will come to a halt this summer but it STILL SUCKS.

And also? Donald Trump is considering a run for the 2012 Presidential race. No, that's not a joke ya'll, it's like for real. I pray for a Trump-Palin ticket. Go ahead, chew on it.

Osama Bin Laden no es mas. So much for a life of impoverished cave dwelling, the world's most-wanted criminal was actually living large in a million dollar compound in the almost heart of Pakistan. Shocking. And as the announcements came rolling across the airwaves, the US rejoiced and danced in the streets, literally. Not to steal anyone's thunder or rain on anyone's proverbial parade, but the celebratory wake that followed was what I thought was equivalent to sticking out our tongues at all of al-Qaeda and singing nannynannybooboo. And by the way, I'm going to go ahead and put this out there: THE PUBLIC DOES NOT NEED TO SEE PHOTOS OF A BULLET THROUGH THE EYE. What the hell is wrong with you people?

I couldn't resist. I saved the best for last kids so hang onto your hats... Hawaii is in fact a US state AND Barrack Obama is US CITIZEN. Wow. Once again in an attempt to quell the conservative masses our commander in chief gave in and released a copy of his birth certificate. Again. For weeks the Birthers (yes they needed to name their patriotic 'movement') constructed their platform of truth, led by none other than the Trumpster himself. And not shockingly, the release of the birth certificate has done nothing to shut them up. For sheer entertainment here is some fun and irrational reading.

Are you freaking kidding me? It's exhausting, really.

How sure are we that Hawaii was really a state by 1961? I mean sure the books say 1959 but all of those could have been doctored too, right? COME ON ALREADY!

Instead I spent my twenty bucks on this...

2011-04-17T21:47:00.003-04:00

After weighing all the excellent options proposed by my FB fam, I said fug it and went for the mlb.tv premium package instead. Sorry ya'll. Translate: I can watch every single stinking game that my Rangers have to play this season from the comfort of my laptop/computer. Except when I'm at work. Because that would be wrong and unprofessional, right?

But still, for $20 a month I can watch roughly 75% of the games and it will be glorious. It's just that easy. I'm that easy. And ok, for that amount of moolah I could be supplying Terri Raith with Netflix every month, feeding a small village somewhere (dammit), getting partial massages, or stocking my liquor cabinet with brandy. All tempting I admit. But then I weigh the cost of me actually watching even one game in a bar and we're talking an easy $50 tab for the Kevster and myself. That's all the math I needed. I was sold, hook, line and sinker. Seriously, mlb.com should use that as a selling point - you're welcome mlb.tv.

So my dear FB famila, shanksh for your comments. They were duly noted and appreciated. I swear. Except you, Rob - paranoid much? Go Rangers.

- Terri M Raith uhhhh......Netflix???
  April 10 at 10:56pm ·
- Nicole Schoville already got it.
  April 10 at 10:59pm ·
- Terri M Raith well, then, you could just send it to me...
  April 10 at 10:59pm ·
- Nancy Schoville Rubi!
  April 10 at 11:06pm ·
- Nicole Schoville ‎?
  April 10 at 11:07pm ·
- Rob Seaver Oh, I've got a few vices that I can procure for $25 a month :-)
  April 10 at 11:31pm ·
- Nicole Schoville Rob that helps me none. give.
  April 10 at 11:33pm ·
- Rob Seaver Dude, your post was vague. I contributed what I could. I'm too dumb to infer what you actually meant.
  April 10 at 11:35pm ·
- Nicole Schoville No inference necessary. I'm really wondering what a person can get for $25 a month. It's just that straight forward, I swear.
  April 10 at 11:37pm ·
- Kathleen Lohmar McGinnis shoulder rub for 15 or 20 mins. at Whole Foods. 2 tickets to a movie but no food, 3 starbucks?, lots of cheap beer, lots of mac & cheese, eye brow wax (twice), pedicure for one foot, oil change, car wash, netflix (yea!), 1/2 of your yard mowed by a Professional. Is what you're thinking?
  April 10 at 11:49pm · · 1 person
- Britt King Subscription to Uncut or Mojo magazine perhaps? Comes with a compilation CD each month.
  April 10 at 11:50pm ·
- Nicole Schoville This is why you're my mom.
  
  Connected by DROID on Verizon Wireless
  
  April 10 at 11:55pm via ·
- JoseandBeatrice Munoz-Cordova a new blu-ray dvd, a bouquet of flowers, a 15lb bag of dog food, a cheap pair of jeans, batteries, blank cds, some bath & body works products, a pizza & wings dinner for 1 night, eye brow wax, guy's haircut, entrance to the zoo and parking for 1 person, 23 hot wheel cars, a few books at 1/2 price........
  April 10 at 11:59pm ·
- Nicole Schoville King B- I didn't mean you were my mom. I meant my mom was. Is. Good suggestion regardless. Diky moc!
  April 10 at 11:59pm ·
- Chelsea Madrigal the happiness of knowing you just fed a small village somewhere desperate...that's a pretty good one. or there's always 2 dime bags filled with dimes of course :)
  April 11 at 12:01am ·
- Sheila Grady Cooper A one hour full body massage at Foot Finesse, 1 1/2 yoga or pilates classes, 4 medium 2 topping pizzas from Dominos
  April 11 at 12:57am ·
- Paige Dalton Mom was referring to Brandy.
  April 11 at 10:36am ·
- Meredith Vachon A month's worth of Ramen.
  April 11 at 4:23pm ·

Some days I pretend I'm drinking beer.

2011-04-06T20:29:00.001-04:00

This is my water glass at work and some days when I reach for it, for like an instant, I actually believe I'm at a baseball game and what I’m really reaching for is an ice cold beer. You know, the light kind that can only be tolerated in the hot sun

with tens of thousands of other people.

And in an instant it's gone. I peer into my glass to see the crystal clear of drinking water staring back at me. And I sigh.

And then I chugged my coffee. Twice.

2011-04-04T21:04:00.002-04:00

It's no secret, I forget to do most things on a daily basis. From brushing my hair (cross my heart that doesn't get done at least once a week) to turning down the thermostat before leaving the house, I just plain can't remember to do it all ya'll. Don't even get me started on the garage door. Touchy subject. I don't however, forget to set my coffee maker each night before going to bed. This does not get forgotten. Ever. Waking up to the smell of coffee has become an integral part of my daily routine and without it I would probably forget to do way worse things in the morning - Like put clothes on or brush my teeth - blek! It could totally happen.

For the record this little addiction of mine has only been around for the past 4 or 5 years. You know, around the time I moved up to the place where it blizzards during Spring Break, around the time I turned THIRTY, and started working - where I work. Just sayin.

And now? I crave it. I wake up and it's the first thing I want. I want it in the car on my way to work. I want it at my desk all morning long and sometimes in the afternoons. I don't know where I'd be without my ladies in the food court at work. They brew my drink with an extra special ingredient: love. And it is awesome. I also think there might be a little crack in there cuz I can't stop coming back for more, day after day. Sometimes my hand shakes until the hot drink is in my grasp and then instant calm. And it doesn't stop there. I want it whenever I run errands or sit on my porch in the mornings. Does it affect my sleep? Safe to say yes it does. Do I care? not a lick. Every now and then I check myself and I'm convinced that I might be filling my body with too much coffee so I should even it out with just as much tea - my gateway hot drink. In my head it's perfect logic to consume just as much tea as coffee in one day but then I have to pee constantly and the whole thing is a freaking disaster. This hobgoblin pattern happens at least twice a week. Shameful. But I digress.

I should also tell you that I have lately developed an almost OCD tendency of drinking every stinking last drop, leaving nothing behind in the coffee pot. Must not waste delicious warm bev. Like I will finish what ever's in my morning cup, fill my to go cup and if there's still some left in the pot then I take that with me too. Double fisting of the a.m. kind. BY the way I live a mile from work. The other day however I was apparently carrying too many things - shocking - and I just didn't have a hand to spare. I panicked. Before I knew it, I found myself chugging what was in my to go mug and I admit, it hurt a little. But I chugged just enough to refill it with what was left in my pot and I felt accomplished. Well done me. And today? I chugged it again.

Swish, swish ya'll!

2011-04-04T07:35:00.000-04:00

Oh, that sound? That was my version of a broom sweeping. To be more specific, it was the broom that my Rangers used in their season opener series to sa-WEEP the Boston Red Sox at home. A. Maze. Ing. This makes me FURIOUSLY HAPPY ya'll. Why is this a big deal?

They still have pitching. Even without Cliff Lee, the Rangers managed to prove that they still have pitching. Remember Wilson and Lewis? They didn't disappoint as they opened Games 1 and 2 of the season, and bringing up the end of the rotation this weekend was lefty Matt Harrison. With massive amounts of confidence from our man Washington, Harrison muscled all the way through a bases loaded seventh inning to prove that he's serious about his place in the rotation. Lee? Lee who? Lee can suck it.

They can hit hard. We know this, yes, but it never gets old. In 3 games they cranked out 11 home runs and 21 base hits on top of that. Kinsler and Cruz homered in all three games folks. Fun fact: The BoSox haven't had that kind of power hitting treatment rained on them since 1919.

This is exciting and I really wanted to remember it. So Dear Future Self, Remember this.

Mr. Kelley you've redeemed yourself. Sorta.

2011-03-30T18:49:00.001-04:00

Well, well, well... It would seem that Mr. Kelley took my words into consideration and did himself some spring cleaning. In case you haven't heard, he decided to BRING BACK THE RED BOOTS. I wonder if there was a reward for them. Not only that but I do believe that our Amazonian Princess will no longer go 'squish squish squish' in her latex pants whilst in pursuit of the bad guys and although a little bit country, at least the blue of the pants has been muted and our patriotic princess has also gotten her stars back. Well done David E. This I can live with. For now. I'll hold final judgement until we see that pilot. No pressure, mk?

Just me, Captain Jack Sparrow and George Lucas hanging out on Saturday.

2011-03-29T18:29:00.000-04:00

Notice the crowds, the applause, the wave. Yes, I'm just that good.

No, really, it's for your safety.

2011-03-27T15:42:00.001-04:00

We have this phrase we're supposed to use at work when we see kids and sometimes grownups doing (stupid) stuff that most rational thinking people would never do. Think the MJ and Baby Pillow Balcony debacle.We're supposed to start off by saying: For your safety, we'd prefer that you not....

Hanging kids over balconies is FUN!

...let your child walk along a ramp wall that is five levels high where they could potentially plummet to their death. We have a Guggenheim style ramp that circles through 5 levels. Some grownups think it's a lot of fun to let their little ones walk along the wall of the ramp where there is open air on either side. 5 levels.
... run full speed up/down a ramp when there are 10,000 other people in the building. People like to run the ramps. Like really run the ramps. They'll start from the top and we'll hear the chilling words ready, set, go! and then they're off. God help anyone else on the ramp who must fling themselves and their loved ones out of the way or be crushed.
... chase your infant/stroller down the ramp. 2-3 times a a day I witness those who like to let strollers go from the top of the ramp and then run after them yelling 'WEEEEEEEEEEE!' It's especially awesome when the kid in the stroller is an infant and could give a shit as to whether or not anyone's pushing the stroller. THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A RAMP IS! Way to go grownup.
... climb up the yellow hand railing where you could potentially fall over and plummet to your death. Sometimes grownups like to do anything but notice the fact that their __-year old is scaling one of our many yellow railings, most of which overlook 4 different levels of open air, an atrium and a water clock.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like we don't protect and secure the public spaces as much as humanly possible. But it's when the kids and grownups ditch the common sense and go out of their way to bypass/ignore those precautions that real damage can be done. Those things are there for a reason folks. For the most part, grownups are open to our recommendations and statements of the obvious when the stupid begins. Sometimes they are affronted and their responses are just plain jaw dropping. This makes me want to kick the universe for letting them be parents.

True Story: On Friday (Spring Break week, 8,000+ visitors that day) I was passing through the Atrium with an intern interviewee in tow and I saw a little 5 or 6 year old boy/whippersnapper who was hanging from the top railing in front of the clock. Step 1: Seek out parent. I look around for the grown up but I wasn't sure which one it was. Step 2: Confront. I approached the whippersnapper directly and here's how it went down...

me: With my most most brightest Disney smile... Hi there, for your safety can you please put both your feet back on the ground?
whippersnapper: nope.
me: (looking around for any sign of grownup intervention) I work here at the museum and we would really like you to be safe when you're having fun so can you please get down from the railing?
whippersnapper: nuh-uh
I look around frantically and then ask him where his grownup is. He lets go with one hand - awesome - and throws his other arm back behind him, motioning in the general direction of south, southeast, and southwest. I finally asked him to take me to his grown up and he actually did. Keep in mind my intern interviewee is still in tow. He heads up the stairs and motions me to follow and as we get to the top I see the very responsible mother coming towards us.
whippersnapper: She wants to talk to you Mom. As he starts to climb another railing, this one was overlooking the Water Clock. More awesome.
me: Hi ma'am. We were downstairs and I was asking him to please not climb the railings for his own safety and he didn't seem to be interested in listening. I just wanted to make sure that his grown up was near by to keep an eye on him, especially since it's so crowded today.
very responsible mom: Oh well, we wanted to go to the Dragons exhibit and he didn't care for it so I told him to stay by the Clock. (PS - The Dragons exhibit is on the second floor and completely out of sight from where she left her whippersnapper.) She turns to the whippersnapper and says You need to mind the people that work here! It was easy for her to just turn to him and say that because by this time he was to the top wrung of the railing and was thus eye level with her.
me: Ma'am, we prefer that he not climb on the railings because it's unsafe. Would you mind please having him set his feet on the ground?
responsible mom: Well, he's young and has a lot of energy. He's probably gonna climb everything no matter what we say and I doubt if he'll get hurt. And she shrugs and turns to the whippersnapper and she pats him on the freaking head. My intern interviewee's eyes are like giant saucers at this point. She totally gets it. She's hired. The whippersnapper smiled pure evil.
me: Would you mind at least keeping him off the railings and closer to you when we're so busy here please? I'm nodding and smiling like a semi-crazed person at this point, willing her to verbally confirm that she has in fact heard anything I'd been saying.
responsible mom: I'll do my best. Shrugs again. Signs. Peals him off the railing thank you Jesus. I just walked away, intern interviewee in tow.

It doesn't take much to keep them safe and I know that shit happens and you can't control everything all of the time. But really, I'm confident you can avoid things like the above stated. There is plenty of other fun to be had that doesn't involve the risk of death and dismemberment at my place of work. Trust me.

Mr. Kelley's got some splainin' to do

2011-03-21T20:00:00.003-04:00

Jesus, this is an effing travesty. For once I agree with right wing America in saying that not only is this a shiteous makeover of unpatriotic proportions, but Wonder Woman is apparently a slut now too. Seriously, our beloved Amazon Princess looks like she's been swallowed by latex and robbed of her red boots! The red boots ya'll, this sucks. I don't know how they can make this ok again and since when did silver and gold go together? Ugh. My expectations for the show have officially been lowered.

This is awesome and ridiculous.

2011-03-13T22:25:00.001-04:00

I have no desire to buy these shoes.

Someone got paid for this. There were meetings, lots of them probably. Brainstorms. Other options. And this was the best they could come up with. Can you imagine the ideas that didn't make the cut? This is for real ya'll and if this ad works on you then you can make your way up to Castleton Square Mall in Indianapolis, IN and start your jerkin'. Me, I'd rather be workin'.

March: It's Madness I Tell Ya

2011-03-13T10:25:00.002-04:00

Note to My Future Self: Gas is $3.69 today and that is NOT GOOD. I stress this point because back in November of 2008 I mentioned gas being $1.89 and now I'm not sure if that was an 'OMG gas is so freaking cheap - wooooo!' or if it was like 'OMG gas is so expensive it will break my bank and my 3 mile daily round-trip commute!' I'd like to think it was the former but just in case Future Self, $3.69 blows.

Also Future Self, Japan is effed.
An 8.9 magnitude earth quake rocked Japan on Friday morning and then triggered a series of tsunamis that rocked it the rest of the way. Thousands are dead as bodies continue to wash ashore and as if this wasn't enough, a nuclear power plant was crippled and at least 2 reactors are nearing meltdown. What. the. fug. Where to start and how to come back from that? Suddenly my January and February - not so bad. Clearly they could have been worse.

And Charlie Sheen is effed. I've been meaning to blog this one because I really don't want to forget it... These are some of his quotes from the past couple weeks. While it's made headlines, Twitter and Facebook statuses (heh-em), t-shirts, and been the talk of every water cooler in America, it's also indicative of a man in crisis. Exhibiting every associated feature of manic episodes and then some. This shit he's come up with is amazing and I'm anxious to see what's next. I hope whatever it is or wherever it takes him that he still has any real friends left to get him through it. And PS - his tox screen came back clean as a whistle. Go figure.

“Can’t we just be in a pink cloud all our lives, and just be be super bitchin’ and be focused like cross-rays into the universe?”
“I feel more alive. I feel more focused. I feel more energetic. My workouts are really intense.”
“I’m on a quest to claim absolute victory across the board on every front…”
“I have a 10,000-year-old brain.”
“I’ve been riding on a mercury surfboard…”
“I’m on a mission. It’s an operation, actually…”
“I’m at the dead epicentre of every single moment…”
“I’m on a rocketship to the moon…”
“I heal really fast…”
[Did you get out of control?] “Well yeah! I don’t have another gear!”
“We live in an evil world.”
“I’m fighting a war. There’s no room for sensitivity.”
“Every great movement begins with one man, and that’s me.”

And in closing, let's not forget:

You borrow my brain for five seconds and just be, like, Dude, can’t handle it, unplug this bastard because, yeah, it fires in a way that is maybe not from this particular terrestrial realm.”— Charlie Sheen on ABC

“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”— Charlie Sheen on ABC

“Newsflash, I am special and I will never be one of you.“— Charlie Sheen on the Infowars radio show

PSS - It's 30 degrees outside but THE SUN IS OUT. Things are starting to look up.

G's World.

2011-03-06T22:39:00.002-05:00

I talk to my sister almost every day and as a result I talk to my niece Genevieve almost every day. Sometimes I talk to G and not Alethea because my 4-year old niece has chosen to call me from the next room. Kids are scary smart these days. Like many parents my sister often wonders aloud if she's effing up my niece with whatever the issue is that day. But I say, G is awesome. She says what she thinks and has a vivid imagination. She talks incessantly with unrestrained enthusiasm because every things is an adventure to her. Whether it's the bank, post office or grocery store, it's all very exciting. She lives in a world where Justin Bieber does not exist and Sinatra and Joni Mitchell are her records of choice. Anne of Green Gables and Roseanne are right up there with Disney movies and she is 'soooo sick of living in the freaking city' -yes, she totally said that.

G playing Sleeping Beauty.

She loves her cat-eye glasses. Loves. Them.
2 bucks at Walgreens.

I'm afraid that G may have gotten her
sweet dance moves from her Aunt Cole.
Her fashion sense? Someone else's.

Yesterday G was teaching hula classes
to her imaginary friends while listening to
Joni Mitchell on her Fisher Price
record player.

Yep, this is definitely Genevieve's world. The rest of us are just in it.

The Potty Dance. It's Not Just for Toddlers.

2011-03-06T12:42:00.001-05:00

That's right friends. That dance that we see our toddlers doing (and sometimes men in bars)? The one with the crossed legs, pained face, and little quad workout that inevitably means it's too late or it's about to be?

Yeah, this one.

Not cute, right? As one who works with preschoolers I find it downright scary but now apparently it has swept the nation as a real dance. Like with a live band, it's own song, concerts, and step by step sweet dance moves...

It's weird. And I heard it/saw it about a gazillion times yesterday at my work. I can't get it out of my head. It was in my dreams and now I'm passing it on to you. Bodies of all shapes and sizes, all ages, stepping, stepping, toes, waste and celebrating. Ugh. Am I alone here? Can you get on board with it? Try it. Here you go. Do the clap, clap, Potty Dance. Tell me what you think.

Side note: Ok, I admit, the concert at my work was kind of cool for the simple fact that these kids were rocking out. Like front of the stage, head banging rocking out.
I admit, that was cute. See I'm not totally heartless.

whaddayoufly?

2011-03-06T11:55:00.001-05:00

Last week I spent 3 days at the Women in Aviation conference in Reno - yes, I said aviation. Me. Go ahead and laugh ya'll, I can hardly believe it myself still but take it from a self proclaimed aviation poser, I went, I saw, and I was totally freaking humbled. Surrounded for 3 days by over 3000 women who were mostly pilots in some shape or form, I blended and shmoozed and floated through the masses. These women were Captains on 747's, flew helicopters for the Coast Guard, or flew their own little planes just for fun ya'll.

Even being one of the few not wearing a flight suit - and now I totally want one but more on that later - the number 1 question I got asked about 799 times was whaddoyoufly?' It was like saying Good morning and hello and after the first day I stopped tilting my head uncomfortably to the side when I responded. I finally learned that while I was not one of the 2984 people who had the proverbial balls to fly aircraft for sport and profession, I was no less valuable a player to the game. I was there as an educator and my job was/is to learn how to get others - girls especially - excited about careers in aviation. And to them, that was cool. Exciting even. Inneresting.

I chose not to tell them about my bottle of mama's little helpers in my carry-on for fear of being booted out of the event. They didn't know that as I talked my way through lunch and over cocktails that I am one of the most pathetically weeny baby flyers on the face of the planet. You all know this, but they did not. I suddenly felt like mine was the most irrational and ridiculous fear although when you think about it, the idea of barreling through earth's atmosphere in a multi-ton machine does sound a little death defying (but still totally awesome). But apparently so is driving a car and moreso even. At the end of my time there I have to say I was inspired. The workshops that I took were excellent but it was more about the people who I met that gave me the most inspiration and caused me to look at flying through new eyes. Talking about the take-offs and landings (my weak points), turbulence, and everything else gave me new perspective and a new appreciation for my pilot friends - especially the ones who do aerobatics but I secretly think there might be something wrong with them anyway.

The real test for me came when it was time to take off from Reno. Do I or don't I? Can I not? I confess, I did. But I made mental effort and had conversations with my self and I think it helped. Did I when I flew out of Denver 5 hours later? I didn't. Yay me.

You Cannot Live Without ‘Lungs’

2011-02-24T00:48:00.008-05:00

Another Amateur Review of More Musical Greatness.

I’m somewhat embarrassed to admit that I am just now getting on Florence and the Machine’s ‘Lungs’ album bandwagon. To save a little face though I’d like to state for the record that it has been on my radar since last fall as Dog Days and Hurricane Drunk have graced several a mat and running mixes. That being said, shame on me for not having snagged all the yummy tunes on this kick-ass album back then and shame on you too if you’re in the same boat. And then shame on you, the one with the smug grin that says you’ve been sitting on it for months and didn’t bother to share it with me – How dare you.

From beginning to end, every stinking song is intense and punch-you-in-the-gut good and much to Kev’s dismay, they are best heard at inappropriately loud decibels. Florence’s (yes, that’s her real name) voice oozes reminiscent of Tori Amos and Kate Bush with a side of Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs. Mix that with The Machine’s ability to back her with a startling range of jazzy electronic, punky, poppy and tribal beats and you might just have my favorite album of 2010. Yes, I’m throwing it back to 2010 so say their Grammy wins.

The first song Dog Days are Over plops us on a roller coaster ride of ethereal melodies, harp strings and kick drum beats that you can’t help dancing around spastically (or me anyway) to. I dare you to sit still. Rabbit Hearts brings on the Kate (and mayhaps a pinch of Eurythmics back up)with impossibly high notes that give you chills as you raise it up. I’m Not Calling You a Liar and Howl do not disappoint and then comes Kiss with a Fist which is as catchy as it sound. More spastic dancing ya’ll. It brings on the punky electric guitars and takes the vocals to the other end of the spectrum of husky and borderline screaming but in that really cool way so you can’t help but belt it along with your new best friend Florence. I would totally wail on Rock Band drums to that one. Amazeballs, really.

We’re almost there so keep reading.

Girl With One Eye Open stands out from the rest of the tracks with a swaggering sexy rhythm that will fool you unless you pay attention to the lyrics: Girl with one eye, I’ll cut your little heart cuz you made me cry. Ouch. You know you’re listening to Drumming Song correctly when it literally vibrates in your stomach and your husband comes down stairs with raised brows and a ‘Really?’ look on his face. Between Two Lungs might be in my top 3 on this album.

Fast forward to My Boy Builds Coffins and prepare yourself for a little Tori meets rockabilly. A yummy one to run to, this little jewel hovers towards the end of the album but its steady beat reminds you that you are not done yet my friend. Must. Keep. Moving. Moving onto Drunken Hurricane. This song is the one that would show up in a chick flick (but like a really good chick flick with no one born after 1990 in it) and it would be the part where the lead chick ditches her loser boyfriend and gets her shit together and then the chick audience totally grins and nods their heads in approval. Trust me on this. Blinding brings back the tribal with its powerful – and I mean powerful – vocals and choir and is just the thing to feed us into our last and final rocking tune You’ve Got the Love. Florence and her super-powered machine send us off and reminds us that while there’s love and loss and sometimes you just wanna say eff it, it’s you that’s got the love and it’s freaking awesome.

This album will make you furiously happy. Trust me on this.

Remember Me When...

2011-02-20T01:00:00.001-05:00

My next door neighbor passed away on Valentine's Day. He was 31. He left behind a widow, 29, who is left to piece together her life and her path. I came home from work that day to police cars and fire trucks - not exactly a rare occurrence on Ruckle St. It was shocking and surreal. The surrealism continues as today I stared at an urn full of the the ashes of the great big guy who spent 20 minutes digging me out of the ice last week, not caring that he was wearing his business suit.

The service was tonight and while it was a memorial, the importance of 'the celebration of life' was insisted upon. Everyone was asked to write down 'a rose', or a memory of him, whether it was funny, heart felt, sad. The idea being that all our memories collectively would be a metaphor for the petals of a rose. We were promised that by the end of the service we would all walk away knowing him - and each other - more than anyone could possibly imagine. The service opened with an goose bump raising set from his wife's jazz band which we'd gone to see last June and a close friend who comically and compassionately mc'd throughout. Tears from sadness and laughter were there. It was... uplifting. His beautiful wife stood proud and strong and possessed an unbelievable inner strength to lead us all through a poetry exercise where the audience refrain was remember me when as she walked us through a montage of her late husband's likes, dislikes, passions and peeves. She then encouraged everyone to stand to share their memories and stories. More laughter. More tears. Love. She was awe-inspiring. Super-human. Humbling. Admittedly, we went into it with some reservation as neighbors and friend, we were still outsiders - or so we thought. By the end of the service however, we were all neighbors and friends. There were no lines.

This week has been eye-opening, this night beautiful and inspiring. Take from it what you will and just remember there are no guarantees. Cherish every day. Love your friends and your neighbors and leave no one alone. Take care of you and everyone around you because that's what we're here for.

That is all.

twitter smitter

2011-02-18T22:53:00.001-05:00

I thought I could do it. I really did. For years Queenkandis has tried to convince me that it's way more efficient and a hell of lot less time consuming than Facebook and my beloved blogosphere. In fact, Queen has just about dropped her blog altogether now that she can send out only what can be said in 130 characters or less and while I get the logic in that, I can say with confidence that wit in brevity is just not my thing. It's maintenance and I'm very bad at maintenance. Call it lazy or stubborn or both but I 100% failed at Twitter within my first week for all those reasons and I'm totally ok with that. Wine and xanax apparently leads to nothing but delusions of grandeur and occasional memory lapse. At the end of the day I'm a one-sided Twit(ter-er). I appreciate the updates whether they're politically charged by my bestie @andersoncooper or whether they're very important nuggets of insight from my man @kanyewest assuring his followers that he does it with the lights on. Either way, instant entertainment and none of which will be reciprocated. So if you're one of my 14 followers (only 6 of whom I actually know which totally adds to the weird factor) then continue to be disappointed by my inactivity. I am only here to follow and voyeur. That is all.

PS - Things I'm too lazy to tweet:

1. The Packers actually won the Super Bowl.

2. The people of Egypt were heard and Mubarak stepped down. The demand for democracy is contagious as other countries like Bahrain, Yemen, and Libya have followed suit. Sadly the death toll rises but the people march on.

3. Seinfeld's 'Master of Your Domain' episode will never get old.

4. 2011 started off shitty and then got shittier yet I somehow remain convinced it has to get better.
5. I can't believe I don't have Radiohead's The King of Limbs in my hot little hands yet. Will someone please get on that?

Search and Ye Shall Find...

2011-02-08T01:32:00.000-05:00

Quick note - The top 3 search phrases for folks to find this here site this week were:

- Sky Mall Indoor Wee Mat
- Hail Mary Statue
- Mama's Little Helpers

Talk about diversity ya'll, this makes me happy :)

This totally happened

2011-02-08T00:18:00.003-05:00

I show up for an 'exam'. The doc (who has not yet been fired) needs to adjust his stool by old school turning the legs. Turning and turning. The nurse jumps in to help turn, back and forth debate going on as to whether or not the chair height is actually raising and I'm laying their like 'really? What year is this??' Then they decide the bed needs to be higher. The old school foot pedal sends me jerking towards the ceiling: 'Wonk! Wonk! Wonk!' Then, 'click clack, click clack'. No light emits from the welp, overhead light. 'Click clack'.
The doc: Nurse, can you find a light that works?
Nurse: Well this one usually does.
The doc: CAN YOU FIND ONE THAT DOES??
Nurse: Yes, I'll be right back.
The doc: I'm so sorry Nicole, it's not always like this.
Nurse: I found one that works - 'click'.
The doc (looking at the yellow Duracell flashlight and I swear I'm not making this up): Well, I'm glad that one works, but I don't think it will work.
1 minute later...
Nurse: How about this one? I think this one works.
Me: OMG it's a satellite! Are they gonna view this from space!?!?
The doc: No Nicole, they're not. And I swear it's not always like this. Nurse, can we raise her up a bit more?
Nurse: Wonk! Wonk! Wonk! Let's do this.

You can't make this shit up ya'll.

Note to Self...

2011-02-02T21:31:00.001-05:00

This has been one hell of a week and I want to make sure in 1, 2, or 30 years from now (even though in 30 years internet will be about as obsolete as the abacus) that I totally remember it and here's why:

It's been fantICEtic! ExICEting!

1. SNOWPACALYPSE 2011 BABY! It's been a very exciting week of end of days snow and ice across the U.S of A. Apparently Naptown 'dodged a bullet' because we got mostly ice but it was enough to cancel schools for 3 days and even the museum closed for 1 day and that event happens like once every 20 years. Chicago and Madison got almost 2 feet of the powdery stuff and even my beloved Texas is on the their third day of school cancellations.

Bring it Steelers!

2. Speaking of Texas, how about a little shout-out to my GREEN BAY PACKERS IN SUPER BOWL XLV this Sunday in Dallas!! Like my Rangers, I'm proud of them for just making it this far. Plus it's nice to have the past 15 years of sometimes solo cheering finally pay off. Cross your digits folks. PS - Favre can suck it. PPS - Ticket prices are now averaging 5000 bucks a pop. Jerry Jones can suck it too.

Dear Mubarak - Know when to say when.

3. All hell has broken loose in Egypt. Last week, the Egyptian people were inspired by the uprisings in Tunisia to end the 30 year Mubarak dictatorship and bring democracy to their country. They began to 'peacefully' demonstrate in the streets and that soon lead to a ground swell of support and demonstrations on all sides of the globe. Hundreds of thousands gathered in Tahrir Square and even the government's attempt to disable internet and phone service could not suppress the movement. Sadly looting and messed up mob mentality has emerged as Egyptian citizens and military are left to protect priceless monuments and artifacts. I admit I got teary eyed earlier in the week when Zahi Hawass spoke about the looting that happened in the Egyptian National Museum. 2 heads were ripped off of mummies. What the eff y'all?? Foreign citizens have already been evacuated and news crews and journalists find themselves being beaten and Mubarak announced yesterday that he would not run again when his term is up in September but that still wasn't what the Egyptian people wanted to hear. They want him gone today. Turn the page to today's headlines and apparent Mubarak supporters have crashed the Tahrir crowds on horse back and camel back, armed with guns and machetes in order to beat back the crowds. Awesome. I stopped searching for headlines (you know, because I don't have the luxury of flipping on my CNN) when I read that the National Museum had caught fire. Mubarak has flat out refused to leave and swears he'll die on Egyptian soil. I wish I could fast-forward a year from now and add the update to this post - Note to my future self: Please post an update 1 year from now. Thanks.

That's right, I said change my diaper people!

4. Kev changed a real live diaper y'all. Not quite as dramatic as the above bit but monumental none the less. While I was one of the only people in the country who had to work yesterday, Kev pulled some last minute baby-sitting duty for the neighbors. Little Cici is almost 2 and has Kev wrapped around all 10 of her fingers. By the time I got home Kev had successfully changed a diaper and was just in the middle of trying to get her into her footie pj's. Honestly one of the cutest damn things I've ever seen. It was awkward as she stood there and tried to help him maneuver her into the arms and legs, not sure which to do first. Priceless.

I will conquer you!

5. Today I started following Jesus Christ and then God started following me! Ok, ok, so it took me a bottle of wine and maybe a xanax or two to finally join Twitter. I've been fighting it for years, I know this, but can't a woman change her mind? I'm still not totally sure what I'm doing but like FB, I'll have it down in a year's time at least. I also have no clue how to find people or how they start to follow me, and really, I'm not even sure I want a whole bunch of people 'following me' because that sounds kind of creepy but whatever. I joined. I've managed to sniff out a few friends like @maddow, @sarahsilverman, @Jesus_M_Christ, @andersoncooper, and my new favorite @kanyewest. Consider my soul sold. At a glance it seems low maintenance and has thus far proven entertaining, but I have no idea what the @'s and #'s do, let alone the 'M' in Jesus Christ's name. Oh well.

This is all I've got for now. Hope you are all safe and warm and well stocked with wine - or 'Cole Juice' as Cici calls it. Yes world, you can trust us with your children.

What do Cake, Jesus, and Gene Simmons have in common?

2011-01-30T20:45:00.000-05:00

Last night my sis and I had a 64 minute 'sisters-in-need-of-cheering-up-chat' which of course did its magic on both sides when it was all said and done. The highlight was when Kev came down for a refill and asked what all the 'ruckus' was about. I hit 'speaker' while Al was in mid-sentence and let nature take it's course...

Al: ...and I was like, 'Jed, you have to get your own case because mine is now messed up like yours'. And he was like, 'I do have my own', and I was like 'Well then stop using mine' because really mine used to be so clean and now it's not and...

Kev: Hey Alethea!

Al: Kev! Hey! Have you heard that Cake has a new album?

Kev: Kiss? No, is it good? I don't really listen to them (although he totally listens to Cake).

Al: You'll love it! Oh my gosh it's so good, you should totally check it out!

Kev: But I don't really follow Gene Simmons so I don't know if I'll listen to it.

Al: Oh, I don't really follow Jesus either but that's ok, you'll still like it.

And this is why I love them both.

umph.

2011-01-28T21:41:00.002-05:00

I hit a wall this week and I mean that both literally and figuratively. Literally, I hit the wall in my parking garage at work. I do that sometimes when I'm pulling in in the morning, usually running late. Depending on how late I'm running, I might tap it just a bit or actually give it a nice 'umph'. This week it was an umph. This year is already an umph and it's only January. I thought that by strategically not doing certain things that I would surely breeze my way through this year of twenty eleven - or whatever the kids are calling it - but it would seem that the universe had other plans for yours truly. I got a big fat umph that makes me want to curl up on the couch or bed or any place soft (and really sometimes it doesn't even have to be soft) and turn out the lights and tune out the world for a while because I'm certain that given the chance, the universe will smack me with more umph and really I've had enough for the month so if the next smack down could please hold off til February - of even March - I would be grateful. Thank you.

Yes, that's where I'm at. But even at the root of this cynicism and, let's just say it - funk - lies the heart and soul of a painful optimist. While I fully acknowledge that my crisis of umph may be small on a global scale, I'm pretty confident that I'm emotionally not capable of handling much more at this point. Call me weak but I call it tired. All of that said, I like to think that on that same global scale, I'm a really good strong person and surely the universe has a wah-bam of good just awaitin around the corner for me, right? And for the record I'm willing to wait for it, although it might be from the confines of that bed or couch, I will wait for it but I choose to wallow for just a bit longer. If you typically hear from me outside of Schovillova then you probably haven't heard from me. But don't worry because here I am, my mom, sister, and Kevin can vouch for my existence. I'm at work. I'm at the studio. And there's light, I can see it. But you just can't see me under my cloak of invisibility. I'll come out eventually.

That's all I got.

Friday Night Chats.

2011-01-15T18:36:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we decided to go to a movie. Someone was going to look up the when's and the where's. We get in the car at 6:37 and head north. At 6:45 this went down...

Kev: Where are we going?
Nic: To a movie.
Kev: Which one?
Nic: The King's Speech?
Kev: Did you look it up?
Nic: Um, not really. Did you?
Kev: Nah. I think it's at Glendale.
Nic: We passed that. Are we going to Keystone (aka the Booze Theater)?
Kev: I guess. Do you know what time it starts there?
Nic: 7 maybe.
Kev: Do you know where we're going?
Nic: To a movie.
Kev: Inneresting.

I can't wait til we're 80. We ended up seeing The Fighter at 7:30 and we had a bucket of beer to go with it. Both excellent choices.

Bad.

2011-01-15T18:12:00.001-05:00

My throat hurts. This song found me yesterday in the car at an extremely loud decibel and at just the right moment. It found me over and over and today it found me again for 2 hours in the car, up all the way, driving. And when it finds you at that right time you have to turn it way up and really sing it in your throat. Raw. Until it hurts.

If you twist and turn away
If you tear yourself in two again
If I could, yes I would
If I could, I would
Let it go
Surrender
Dislocate
If I could throw this
Lifeless lifeline to the wind
Leave this heart of clay
See you walk, walk away
Into the night
Through the rain
Into the half-light
Through the flame

If I could through myself
Set your spirit free
I'd lead your heart away
See you break, break away
Into the light
And to the day

Oooh oooh, oooh oooh, oooh oooh oooh...

To let it go! And so fade away
To let it go!
And so fade away
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
Wide awake
I'm not sleeping, oh no, no, no

If you should ask then maybe they'd
Tell you what I would say
True colors fly in blue and black
Blue silken sky and burning flag
Colors crash, collide in blood shot eyes

Oooh oooh, oooh oooh, oooh oooh oooh...

If I could, you know I would
If I could, I would
Let it go

This desparation
Dislocation
Separation
Condemnation
Revelation
In temptation
Isolation
Desolation
Isolation

Let it go
And so fade away
To let it go, oh yeah
And so fade away
To let it go, oh No
And so fade away
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
Wide awake
I'm not sleeping oh no no

Delicious Home

2011-01-15T12:19:00.000-05:00

Consider this redemption for my last video posts. If you are human then I dare you to get through this without a) tearing up, b) getting goose bumps, or c) both. See how diverse I am?

No Judging.

2011-01-15T01:59:00.005-05:00

I can't help it. Snookie and JWoww are my new entertainment. These videos crack. me. up. I don't watch MTV Jersey Shore for the record but their videos are high-larious. See for yourself. It's PG-13 at least and unbelievable trashtastic.

Ok, ok, and this one. Don't you dare judge me.

This is what happens when I can't sleep.

Jane Austen Walks with Zombies and it's Freaking Awesome.

2011-01-08T20:21:00.001-05:00

"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains."

For the record, Dearest Lizzy does not eat
Mr. Darcy's brains.

My name is Schovillova and I am a Jane Austen junkie.

Welcome to Longbourn, home of the Sisters Bennet. Sword weilding ninja-trained sisters who are well known for not only their beauty, but their Zombie killings ways as well. Unless you've been under a rock this past year, you've hopefully heard of this little phenom called Pride & Prejudice and Zombies (yes that's one title) and ya'll, it's as awesome as it sounds. Now, I may be a little premature in my labeling of 'awesome' as I'm only through the first half, but it really is smartly done believe it or not.

Despite the zombies and the constant need to carry weapons, Seth Grahame-Smith still manages to maintain the original integrity of Austen's story: 2 sisters and 2 bachelors, with all of the same players. He artfully intertwines Austen's witty humor and thoughtful dialogue with the undead and dojos and somehow it all makes sense in the English country side. Even Elizabeth and her sociopathic tendency to want to slay anyone who dares disrespect she or her family remains as charming as ever. But again, I'm only through the first half.

If you're any kind of P&P fan then these quotes will most certainly make you smile. If you are not a P&P fan then you will probably think W.T.F. WARNING: Spoiler alert ahead! Proceed with a light heart and open mind....

"No ninjas! How was that possible? Five daughters brought up at home without any ninjas! I never heard of such a thing. Your mother must have been quite a slave to your safety." If you're like me and pretty much have Austen's version of this line committed to memory then you should love this one.

"An accomplished woman is one who has a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing and the modern languages; she must be well trained in the fighting styles of the Kyoto masters and the modern tactics and weaponry of Europe." By the way, Lady Catherine is the top martial arts specialist/zombie slayer in all of England.

"Shall we ask your cousin the reason of this? Shall we ask him why a man of sense and education, and who has been sculpted into a killer of the highest order, is ill-qualified to recommend himself to strangers?"

"If I have wounded your sister's feelings, it was done as a consequence of affection for my friend, and the belief that Miss Bennet had been cursed to wander the earth in search of brains."

And there you have it. I'll suspend my rating until I finish the last drop, maybe even after I complete the questions at the end. But trust me, there will be a rating.

Cau for now.

2011 - The Year of the Un-Resolutions.

2011-01-04T09:43:00.000-05:00

What's your unresolve?

That's right kids, I said the unresolutions. For as long as I could write I've looked forward to the ol' new year resolutions. Writing it all down, putting it out there, wiping the slate clean and starting afresh. Sadly, I can't remember a time when my determination ever prevailed past January - ever. But yet every year, bless my heart, I looked forward to that fresh start. I can start my new organization in January. I can start working out every day in January. I can start going to bed and waking up earlier - in January. And by February my lists started to disappear and by March they were nonexistent. And it's not even like my resolutions were monumental tasks even, they were barely blips on the self improvement scale, but still, setting myself up for failure at the start of every year started to feel masochistic. At some point I put down the pen and ditched the resolutions because really, who needs to start every year that way?

Enter 2011 and I'm beginning to rethink my strategy of nonparticipation. I kind of miss the challenge of the resolution. You know, that hope and sweet optimism that comes with committing oneself to becoming a better human being and stuff. Thus, I present to you, the unresolutions. These I can handle. These consist of those things which I will decidedly not do this year. For example…

1. I will not take up smoking, despite this post.

2. I will not walk past a perfectly good climbing tree and not climb it if I'm wearing anything less that a heel and I'm not on crutches or drunk.

3. I will not wake up early and go to bed early every day.

4. I will not get botox. It's just not on my radar.

5. I will not pluck out every gray hair that I find. Who has that kind of time?

6. I will not obsess... about most things.

7. I will not take Xanex for every plain flight - only special occasions.

8. I will not cut off my leg to lose 23 lbs., sorry Doctor Doom but I fired you’re butt.

9. I will not leave my house without making my bed and I'm being totally serious when I say that. At some point in 2010 it became a compulsion (not an obsession). True story Mom.

10. I will not steal a car.
11. I will not see another movie with Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp.

12. I will not stop writing because I honestly can't afford a therapist.

I’ll check back in February and let you know where I'm at in my mission of unresolve. I think they’re doable – or not. Anything extra is a bonus.

Welcome to my 2011 ya’ll.

Angry Birds Will Make You Happy

2010-12-28T19:13:00.003-05:00

We will make you very happy.

Have you heard of this tasty little phone app? (Future Self: A 'phone app' is an application that you can add to your phone that will allow you to waste countless hours reading the news, celebrity gossip and playing awesome video games spanning the 80's and into the 21st century) Kevin was the first one to tell me about it and it was brand new information but since then everyone I ask is like Um yeah, of course I've heard of it. Who hasn't? So now I'm feeling very current and better for it because honestly, this has happily passed the last 30 hours for me. In my current sickly state, sniff, reading is not an option but apparently video games on hand held devices are. It's a battery gobbler so keep the phone plugged in while you play boys and girls, but really, it's quite brilliant.

I mean the birds really are angry and all they want to do is off the little piggies who are hiding out in bunkers laced with TNT and wearing protective gear. They're smarter than they look and there's a certain level of satisfaction that can be attained when you master the strengths and weaknesses of the different angry birds and then you can strategize accordingly. 30 hours later I've only made it to the 21st round of level 3 on the first of 5 tiers - I'm Poached Eggs apparently. Clearly it's time for more cold meds.

PS - I'm starting to think this game is also good for stress relief. Suddenly I've become obsessed with blowing shit up and I hear myself saying things like take that muther fugger to the little piggies as I send an angry bird flying into the TNT pile. Like I said, satisfaction.

** Update - Angry Birds also has an 'Angry Birds Season' app where there's snow and ice castles! Very exciting. Thanks Jake!

I Blew My Nose and Passed Out

2010-12-28T18:53:00.000-05:00

About a year and a half ago we went on a highly anticipated family vacation with my mom and Terry and all 4 'kids' and spouses and grandkids for the first time ever and we were very excited. How awesome that I got to be with all 4 nieces and nephew for a whole week with the Washington Coastline as our backyard? Needless to say it was absolute Heaven - for like the first 2 days. Then all hell broke loose and we started dropping like flies. Me, I work in a children's museum 385 days a year and am exposed to like a gazillion germs on a daily basis and I get nothing. But 2 days with these guys and I come down with Sinusitis, Strep, and Bronchitis.

We will infest you.

Fast-forward 18 months and we journey to another family vacation - This time with the Schoville clan and it. was. awesome. Bob & Nancy found a house just in time for Christmas - like they literally moved in on the 14th - and by the time we arrived the house was totally decked out in all things holidayee. Once again, nephews and brand new little niece and nephew plus all the 'kids' and spouses together for 6 fun-filled and later snot-filled days. This time my immune system faired a little better as it took me 5 days to come down with the crud. I'd been doing pretty well since that last Washinton Niece-Nephew strain which apparently must have been the mother of all strains since really, that was the last time I was sick. So once again, the niece and nephews are no match for me and my museum germs as it hit me full force the morning that we left. A little something to remember them by I guess. Thank you.

We're cute but contagious.

I admit, I totally let my guard down and I should have known better. I wiped runny noses and wiped away drool with the back of my hand. I hugged and kissed their chubby little slobbery cheeks and even wiped a bottom or 2. Ok, just 1. Kev got to do all the driving home while I tossed and turned in the front seat and now I have officially been either on the couch or in bed for the last 25 hours exactly. Every time I look down I feel like my face is going to detach from my head and my teeth are throbbing and I imagine that the only relief at this point is to reach into my mouth and pull them out like dentures. I think that would feel amazing. Wanna hear more? Every time I blow my nose the fluid in my ear canal squeals and a little bit ago I got light headed when I blew my nose and fell over onto my pillow. How sad is that?

We're wearing iron for a reason.

Next time I will be better prepared and I might even look into an Iron Man ensemble for myself. At first I was a little annoyed at these Christmas gifts for the 4 and 2 year old nephews. They were noisy, complicated to put together and hurt like hell when they landed on your foot. But as soon as Magnus started wearing his, his virus cleared right freaking up. Inneresting.

It's Christmas Doncha Know

2010-12-26T21:08:00.006-05:00

A very Christmas view.

From the white hills of Wisconsin it's Christmas at the Schoville's ya'll and it's a good place to be, you should try it sometime they will totally feed you. The in-law's new small-town woodsy pad sports crazy tall snow-covered trees that can be viewed from floor-to-ceiling windows, tons of deer and wild turkey (the actual birds, not the whiskey although I'm pretty sure I could probably find that here too if I dug around enough), more cheese than any 20 people should consume in one year - maybe 5 - and 12 stockings hung from the chimney with care. With 8 adults and 4 little people it's fun to be around those who still believe. Santa induced behavior transformations are amazing and just might be my favorite thing about this holiday season, other than family of course.

Stockings hung with care.

Between my birthday and Christmas, I typically rake in a pretty good haul and this year Kev/Santa et all were especially kind. Topping the list were these 2 things:

- A new Android Global phone (a note to my future self: this a super-cool cell phone that is really hot this season) that is way smarted than me and I have yet to sync my contact list so I was able to recognize only about 5% of the b-day/Xmas greetings that were sent to me but I was still very good to respond to each one with enthusiastic thanks. I'm slowly working towards reconciling the contacts. What's crazy is that although I wasn't able to sync contacts from my old Blackberry (Future Self that was super-cool like 2, maybe 3 years ago), but I somehow managed to sync all my Facebook contacts so people who I haven't spoken to in TWENTY YEARS are now in my phone list. Note to current self: Delete those asap before nostalgic drunk dialing ensues.
- An Amazon Kindle was an unexpected surprise considering I'd been on the shelf since they'd come out a couple of years ago. Me, a book snob, I love to surround myself in books, lots of em. Some I read once or get to eventually, others I will read one million times. I like the sound and smell of the books, flipping the pages, even reading the covers, jackets, and ok, I've been known to check out a back page a time or 2. A Kindle happens to negate all these things. However, a Kindle majorly trumps all that by simply being light as paper and housing 14,000 books at one time. Does anyone else get butterflies with that last part? It even comes with some free-bee classics so thus far I'm carrying around Dracula, Pride & Prejudice, Pride & Prejudice and Zombies, The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin, Frankenstein and The Onion. What can I say it's growing on me and I will finally say: Yes Kandis, you are right. Kindle's are awesome and PS you still need to update your blog.

Cooler than he looks.

Other items to note: A Boz Scaggs Greatest Hits CD from my mom. Honestly I thought it was a mistake but then she was like No Nicole, you listened to him throughout your entire childhood and I was like No Mom, I'm pretty sure I didn't but I'll give it a try anyways so I did. And she was right. I had goosebumps from track 1 'Lowdown'. If you had any kind of childhood/state of being in the 70's and 80's then you will appreciate this gift as well. Otherewise it will be lost on you.

I also got a kick ass baseball book light which is as cool as it sounds, a wine rack (finally!) and house slippers that go all the way up my legs - trust me they're hot - and a host of other awesome stuff that is just too much to type. I've also put on about 10 more pounds (not really but that's how I feel) and I can only imagine what Dr. Doom would have to say about it the bastard. Ah well.

Hope Santa was as good to you as he was to me kids. Looking forward to a couple more Schoville-filled days before heading back to Naptown.

Cau for now and goodnight ya'll.

So You Wanna Be the Most Popular Person at Christmas This Year?

2010-12-19T22:57:00.001-05:00

Thanks to my fellow yogi Laura, I am so gonna be the most popular Schoville this Christmas! And in the spirit of this holiday season and giving and stuff, I give to thee an early Christmas present. And better yet, there's still time left to go out and purchase the ingredients that will secure your spot at the adults' table this year.
So without further ado, I offer up the world's easiest and tastiest...
The Pomegranate-Avocado Salsa!
1 1/3 cups diced peeled avocado (about 2 avocados)
3 tablespoons fresh lime juice
2 cups clementine sections (about 6 clementines)
1 cup pomegranate seeds (Trader Joe's has these already seeded for you!)
1/2 cup thinly sliced green onions
1/2 cup minced fresh cilantro
2 tablespoons honey
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 jalapeño pepper, seeded and minced
(do NOT mince the jalapeño . I tried that and it literally busted through my metal mincer - Dear Santa please add a new mincer to my list. And for the love of all things holy, do not forget to seed it either because hours later I'm still downing the soy milk by the gallon. A little jalapeño goes a long way kids).

You are welcome friends and happy holidays!

Review: The Tourist

2010-12-19T22:35:00.000-05:00

Forget Your Passport and Stay Home Ya'll.

I blame Kevin. We were supposed to go and see 'Black Swan', a sure crowd pleaser. No need to look up the reviews on that one, it's already got the nominations and Facebook buzz to back-up it's greatness. The Tourist however, does not and I am so not surprised. So Kevin comes down with a bug of some sort which leaves Kate and I to our own devices and like any practical women at a theater sans male counterparts, we're gonna go straight for the Johnny Depp movie. Who needs a review when it's Johnny Depp?

Sometimes(all the time) it drives me a wee bit crazy when Kev just has to read the reviews before going to see a movie. Like every. single. time. Anything less than a B and we wait for it to come out on cable. Oh wait, I mean Netflix. In doing so we end up almost always getting our money's worth (except for Inception - that was bad). So I get it, there's method to the kid's madness and after last night's train wreck of a movie I will never mock him again. I mean seriously, I wish the train in the first 5 minutes of the movie had actually wrecked and ended the movie but that didn't happen and I was left wasting the next 138 minutes of my life thinking for the love of god, please end.

I'd say that I don't want to spoil anything for you just in case you decide to waste 143 minutes of your precious existence watching this flick, but really, I do want to spoil it just so you won't go see it. Consider this an early Christmas present from me to you. You're welcome.

Jolie plays the ridiculously beautiful undercover agent/woman in love who is being followed by British intelligence and some mafioso gangster guys with really bad Russian accents. Their following tactics had me reeling as they drove 5 paces behind her in a van as she walked the narrow streets of Venice. Like they drove 5 mph, right freaking behind her. They all want to find this Alex Pierce dude who has been eluding them all for 2 years, owing a gazillion dollars in taxes to the British government, a couple billion in stolen geeds to the mafioso and who has promised a love-lorn Jolie that he will find her. Ugh.

Enter Johnny Depp, a somewhat bumbling math teacher from the Midwest who is chosen 'at random' on a train to act as a decoy for the Brits and apes. And of course, in a few days time, the cat and mouse has him running across tiled roof tops in his pj's and being handcuffed to a boat in a canal which is towed at moderate speed by Jolie as they attempt to outrun them all. Hands down 2 of the most painful chase scenes ever. I can't even really do any of it real justice with words because it was just that bad. And if you go expecting any sort of chemistry between the lead roles then you will be severely disappointed in that as well. I was absolutely shocked at the glaring lack of chemistry between Jolie and Depp. It was like Brad Pitt had willed the chemistry to not exist - kind of like the supposed hot love scene that he demanded be left on the editing room floor. Inneresting. And somehow we were still supposed to believe that in those few days (and honestly very little dialog between the two) they fell in love. Awww. The constipated longing glances and a stiff-lipped kiss had me giggling uncomfortably. It was so so bad. But in the end after an incredibly anticlimactic showdown with all our old friends, it was the the sparkless duo that outsmarted them all as they sailed off into the sunset of the Italian Riviera. And by the way, Depp ended up being the ever-elusive Mr. Pierce with a 20 million dollar new face. Shocker.

So there you go boys and girls. This flick registered a whopping C- on my moviedar. A little generous perhaps but the scenery was killer, except for when they showed Jolie and Depp on the speed boat from the front, and the scenery and water around the boat were superimposed and stupid looking. I could swear I saw a corner of the fan that was blowing on their faces, making us believe that they were in a high-speed water chase. That deserved an F.

PS - We did go and see '127 Hours' last weekend and that is a great movie. It rated an A- on the ol' moviedar and Santa if you're listening I must have that soundtrack. But be fore-warned, do not go to that flick if you are prone to motion sickness, seizures, sleep, nausea, or have an aversion to decapitating body parts and plucking exposed nerves like violin strings. And I'm not giving anything away by saying that because it's based on a true story. But seriously, one dude passed right the frack out unconscious during the amputation scene and minutes later some other dude passed out and began to snore loudly. Go figure. I think I'll stick to my Netflix for a while.

Cau for now.

What's Up Doc?

2010-12-12T00:47:00.001-05:00

News flash ya'll. According to my ex-doctor, not only am I fat and OLD, but also? Exercise won't make me (or you) lose weight. Thus, at the geriatric age of 33, I can kiss my aspirations for a better waist-line via running and yoga good-bye. By the time I left that office I felt like I'd been zinged so many times that I couldn't wait to go home and burn my running shoes then crawl back into bed. Forever. Here's how the ego crushing pep-talk went down.

Dr. Doom (Obviously not his real name but I was either going to refer to him as that or Dr. Douche Canoe and really, Dr. Doom is easier to write over and over again.): Good morning ...(quick glance at my file) Nicole, what brings you in?
Me: I'd like to get my thyroid checked for these reasons: blah, blah, blah, and blah.
Dr. Doom: Ok (glance) Nicole, I should tell you though, about 97% of people who ask to get it checked, it turns out they're fine and they just need to lose weight. zing.
Me: Well Doc, I've been working out regularly and eating pretty well and it just hasn't been helping. In fact, it seems to be having the opposite effect.
Dr. Doom: Well, I hate to tell you this, but didn't you know that exercise won't necessarily help you lose weight?
Me: Um, no actually, that is brand-new information.
Dr. Doom: Didn't you see that article in TIME last year?
Me: Which one, there were like 52 issues that year.
Dr. Doom: The one that was about how exercise won't make you lose weight because when people exercise they usually end up indulging in more calories than they actually burn as a reward for working out, and as a result cancelling out all effects of working out.
And I'm like: I don't necessarily agree with that. I eat well, no fast-food, no red meat, salad almost every day, blah blah blah and I'm working out regularly again for the first time in a year. If anything my eating has gotten better as my exercise increases.

We don't need no stinking exercise!

Dr. Jerk-Ass Doom: Well, you're old. And when you get old your metabolism slows. (Yeah, not old-er, just old. This, coming from a 70 year old. Double zing.)Here's a website you should go to, it will help you keep track of your calories and will help you lose weight. You could stand to lose... (looking at my chart) 23 pounds at least. zing zing zing zing zing zing!! Explosions went off in my head and I felt feint. I'm no size 4 but at the towering height of 5'4", losing 23 lbs is like losing an entire leg.

I was deflated and defeated and downright depressed. And then tears, brimming, ready to spill:
Dr. Douche Canoe: Nicole, have you been depressed because that can be a sign of thyroid issues.
Me: No, but I am now.
Dr. Douche Canoe: Well alright, let's get that checked out.

And that was it. He led me to the little blood work waiting room, signed me in, and said We'll be in touch. My thought: Don't count on it.

For the record I read that article and I hate the message that it sends out to idiots like my ex-doc who will only take it for its head line and first 3 paragraphs and then share their new found knowledge with god knows how many patients, desperate for answers. I hope my students aren't disappointed tomorrow when I show up to mat class with a bowl of salad and extra forks:

Forget your ab workout tonight boys and girls, from now on we feast on salad!